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BACTERIOLOGIST: 

AN ORIGINAL COMEDY 
Ifn fix^c Bets. 



BY / 

DANIEL K. FORD, 

Author of the Successful Comedietta, 
My Friend Isaac, etc. 



^ 



WITH THE 



COMPLETE STAGE-BUSINESS, RELATIVE POSITIONS, SCENE 

AND PROPERTY PLOTS, TIME OF 

REPRESENTATION, &c. &c. 



ST. PAUL : 

The Samuel Carman Printing Company, 

37 East Fifth Street, 

1897. 



■'.^ 






COPYRIGHT, 

BY DANIEL K. FORD, 

1897. 
All Rigfhts Reserved. 



TMP92-009339 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 



DRAMATIS PERSON^. 

Doctor Solomon Sapience. — A Bacteriologist, very profound, age 
sixty. 

Bacillus Bacterium.— A MuIti-MilHonaire, a victim of bacteriologi- 
cal literature, age filtj'. 

Cerbbro S. Meningitis.— His daughter's lover, a medical student, 
age twenty-five. 

Parotitis Bacterium. — His son, age twentj-five. 

Mike Crobe. — His servant, a good looking young Irishman, age 
twenty-two. 

T^^'^^lT^n^^Y^^tl°^.^^^"''• ^^' thirty-five. I Twin Brothers. 
IHE Unk:\Own. — Age thirtj' -five. / 

Bacterianna Bacterium.— The millionaire's daughter, age twenty. 

Bella Donna. — Her cousin, age twenty. 

A\Ti Septic j 

Anti Pyrine' (.Her aunts. Maidens of uncertain ages, somewhere 

Anti Dote. \ between forty and fifty. 

Angina Pectoris. — Irish maid servant, quite pretty, age twentj-. 

Nurse. — Age twenty-five. 



COSTUMES. 



Modern, and appropriate to characters. Those of the 
three sisters, Anti Septic, Anti Pyrine and Anti Dote, 
somewhat eccentric. 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 



SCENE PLOT. 



Elegantly furnished parlor in the Bacterium Mansion, (toxed in 
3 G. and backed by hall in 4 G.) Double doors, draped, C. in flat. 
Double doors, draped, 2 E. R. Double doors, diaped, 2 E. L. 
Piano and stool, L. U. Cor. Divan, K. Ottoman right of divan. 
Sofa, L. Tabouret left of sofa. 2 chairs down L. Lighted Chan- 
delier, C. Easy chair down R. C. All furnishings and draperies 
suitable for the establishment of a man of wealth and cultivated 
taste. Carpet down. Time, night. Lights up. 



^G. 



-4G. 



3G. 



Double 
Door. 
Draped 



Double Door 
Draped. 



3 6. 




D Orroman. 

^EasY Chair. 



Double 
Door, 
. Draped. 
Taboureh. ^ 

Chair. o 
Chair- 



Lawn at Wigglesworth. Bacterium Mansion in the background 
on fiat. Fountain up C. Shrubbery up R. C. Large vase with 
flowers up R. Large vase with flowers up L. Two garden-settees 
R. Tw^o garden-settees L. Camp-stool down R. Camp-stool 
down L. Time, morning. Lights up. 



Beach at Long Branch. The sun rises. A few vessels and a 
steamer seen in the distance sailing from R. to L. A row-boat con- 
taining two fishermen goes by near the shore, from L. to R. Small 
rock near the water, R. Steamers and vessels, in the distance, 
occasionally seen during the entire act. 



THE BACTERIOI.OGIST. 



Scene I. — Female Ward in Sapience Sanatorium, (boxed in 3 G.) 
Door in flat, C. "Window each side of this door. Couch down R. 
Three panel screen (41/2 feet high,) back of couch. Easy chair down 
L. Large chest up C. Table down C. on which are bottles of 
medicine, pitcher of ice water and three glasses. Time, night. Gas 
taxirners R. and L. Lights in harmony with- scene. 

ARRANGEMENT OF BEDS. 



Scene II — Lobby in Sapience Sanatorium in 1 G. Lights low. 

Scene III. — Male ward, (boxed in 2 G ) Large window in 
center of flat, moon shining into same. Door each side ot this win- 
dow. A single gas jet between window and each door. Lights low. 

ARRANGEMENT OF BEDS. 



Parlor in Bacterium Mansion. Scene same as in Act I. Easy 
chair moved to R. U. Cor. Carpet dow^n. 



PROPERTY PLOT. 

ACT I. 

Pocket medicine-case, containing phials and powders in papers, 
lor Dr. Sapience. 



Flowers for garden-vases. Small pocket medicine-case contain- 
ing a few^ bottles and powders in papers for Mr. Bacterium. Also 
small phial for Mr. Bacterium. 



Pocket medicine-case, (same as in Act I) for Dr. Sapience. 
Large lobster to be attached to the seat of Mike Crobe's trousers. 
In a basket for Mr. Vermes, nine hideously made-up creatures to 
represent magnified microbes, about 18 inches long, with claws^ 
horns, tails and feelers, different colors. 



VI THE BACTERIOLOGIST 



Scene I. — One registering-tablet for nurse. Inchest, six dresses, 
with caps and aprons, suitable for hospital nurses, also six fans. 

Scene II. — Candle stick containing lighted candle for Dr. 
Sapience. 

ACT V. 

Small bottle for Dr Sapience. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

The performer is supposed to be facing the audience 



EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 

R. means right; L., left; R. D., right door; L. D.. left door; 
C. D., centre door; 2 E. R., second entrance, right; 2 E. L., second 
entrance, left; R. U. E., right upper entrance; L. U. E., left 
upper entrance. 

RELATIVE POSITIONS. 

R., means right; L., left; C, centre; R. C, right of centre; L. C, 
left of centre; R. Cor., right corner; L. Cor.. left corner; R. U. Cor., 
right upper corner; I/. U. Cor., left upper corner; UP, toward the 
back ol stage; DOWN, toward the footlights; 1 G., first groove; 2 G.» 
second groove; 3 G., third groove; 4 G., fourth groove. 



Time of representation, about two hours and a half. Period, 
present time. 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 



ACT I. 



Wigglesworth on the Hudson. Elegantly furnished parlor in the 
Bacterium Mansion. {See scene plot.) 

Parotitis. (JS.) 

Is this the Doctor Sapience, so famed for knowledge, 
Once a professor in some noted college? 

Cerebro (C.) 

Yes, for the nervous a specialist of great fame, 
But very eccentric, all the same. 

Parotitis. 

What is his mode of treatment, what his hobby? 
Does he doctor the mind, or doctor the body? 

{Jerebro. 

Both, he strengthens the body, 

He humors the mind, 

Never a patient disputes in a case of this kind. 

Parotitis. 

This doctor, I know, is very profound. 
His theory, may be, is perfectly sound, 
But I'm tired to death of Bacteriology, ^ 
We get it all day, without an apology. 

Cerebro. 

Your father's disease is of the imagination, 
A mania, an hallucination. 
It can be cured, leave it to me. 
This doctor '11 help us, you shall see. 



2 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Parotitis. 

Before my father from business retired, 
He was a man by all admired, 
With no foolish fancy in his mind. 
Perfect in health, gentle — kind. 

But since he nothing had to do. 

He's been in one perpetual stew; 

A.11 day long he reads of bacterial germs. 

Microbes, bacilli and worms. 

And it seems to be a part of his nature 
To run to curious nomenclature. 
Medicine, disease, animalcule and bone 
Furnish names for all persons in his home. 

Cei'ebro. 

Yes, his singular mania our names to change 

Knows no limit In its range. 

Man, woman, daughter, son, servants; to state it 

mild. 
On nomenclature, he has gone wild. 

Your father's very strange condition, 

I explained minutely to the physician; 

And with his knowledge of germs and their abodes. 

He believes your father has no microbes. 

But he, to cure, would let your father believe 

That he has a bacillus up his sleeve. 

Such a caprice must never be crossed. 

As sure as it is, the case is lost. 

With good fresh air and reasonable diet, 
No contradictions and much quiet, 
He'll cease to ask — what can the matter be? 
And stop a studying his own anatomy. 

Now Dr. Sapience, with intent most pure. 
Expects us to help him with this cure. 
Your father, thus far, has deceived Jiimself, 
Now, ice must deceive him back to health. 



THE BACTERIOI^OGIST. 3 

Parotitis. 

My aunts, sister, cousin, and the servants, too, 
Should all be informed what they have to do. 
Eiach one, you say, must play a part, 
I fear they're lacking in dramatic art. 

€erebro. 

I'll talk to all, our desig'ns impart. 
We're to meet in the library, after dark. 
And then tomorrow, we'll commence our cure. 
The remedy is simple, and I believe it sure. 

To day the doctor, T suppose, 

Will devote his time to diag-nose. 

He'll see your father, and with professional eye. 

Naught will escape his scrutiny. 

Parotitis. (Looking at icatcJi.) 

This wondrous Galen should now be here. 
He's lost his train, I much do fear, 
He should have arrived between three and four, 
Here comes my father, let us withdraw. 

Exeunt [L. D.) Cerebro and Parotitis. 

Enter Mr. Bacillus Bacterium [0. D.) He walks languidly 
doicn to easy-chair {B. C.) and drops into it. 

Mr. B. {Seriously.) 

And now another doctor comes. 

Will he say it's my heart, or say it's my lungs? 

Could he hear the grating of my bones. 

Could he feel the pain, or hear my moans, 

Yes, my moans, my groans, my bones. 

My pains, my aches, my sigh. 

He'd know my trouble is bacilli. ^ 

Oh! how my flesh does burn and quiver, 

The microbe to-day is in my liver. 

Enter Mike Crohe (C. B.) ■ 

Mike C. 

Doctor Sapience, at thy call. 
Awaits thy orders in the hall. 



4 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Mr. B. [Raising himself feebly.) 

Waste no time in bringing" him hither, 
I fear I have a diseas-ed liver. 

Mike C. (Aside, C.) 

lyiver is it this time? Oi belaves Oi have none, 
Probably the rich alone possess thum. 

Mr. B. {Dreamily.) 

My dear Mike Crobe, I like thy name {Pausing, aside) 
What if I have a microbe in my brain? 

Mike C. {Aside.) 

Phat kind of talk does he call that? 
Sure he's hung" his brains up in his hat. 

Mr. B. 

Faithful servant draw you nigh, 

Can you see aug'ht that's strang"e within my eye? 

Mike C. {Goijig R. C. and gazing intently at Mr. B.) 
Naught can Oi see, and naught diskiver. 
Which indicates you have a liver. 

{Aside, in alarm.) 
By the howly Moses, 
Perhaps he has tuberculosis! 

Mr. B. {Lnngnidly.) 

Michael dear, draw near, draw near, 
Am I not yellow from ear to ear? 

Mike C. {Assuming a profound air.) 

Your complixion, sor, is fine as silk, 
Your eyes as blue as milkman's milk; 
Your tout-ensemble and entire plan 
Indicate a perfect gintleman. 

Mr. B. {Recovering liimself.) 

No blarney, Mike, as the doctor's late. 
Show him right in, don't let him wait. 

Mike C. {Going up C.) 

Oi flies good master at thy biddin', 

{Aside.) Sure that's the way Oi getsmy livin' {Exit,C.D) 



THE BACTERIOI^OGIST. 5 

Mr. B. 

A faithful servant he is ever, 
Reg-ardless of the kind of weather. 

(Rubbing his hdiuls gleefully, in a crazy manner.) 
What a very, very brilliant thought to call this boy 

Mike Crobe. 
I'll have none but medical names in this abode. 

What times I've had with the family names, 
How ungrateful my relatives for all my pains. 
But they know full well, if they'd not been willing, 
I'd have cut them off with only a shilling. 

Mike C. [From without.) 

This way tny master bids you. plase, 
Oi belaves he's full of some dis'ase. 

Enter Mike C. {G. B. ) 

Doctor Sapience has ariven. 
Train due at four, but now 'tis siven. 
Would have arrived sooner, Oi expect. 
If the poor fellow had not been wrecked. 

Enter Dr. Sapience (C. D.) He hurries with short mincing steps 
to wJiere Mr. B. is seated. 

Dr. S. ( Talking hurriedly but profoundly.) 
Cattle on the track, sir! 
Shocking derailment; 
Let me see your tongue, sir, 
Expensive entailment. 

One animal's horns, sir, torn from his head, 

Six bovines picked up, sir, entirely dead. 

( Willi dignity takes out loatch and feels of Mr. B^s pulse.) 

Your pulse, sir, is abnormally quick. 

The engineer killed, sir, stiff as a stick. 

Is your appetite good? Do you sleep well at night? 

Cold chills? Sweats? Is your liver all right? 

I feared I would not be here until eleven, 

Lucky for you, sir, you'd then be in heaven. 

The conductor quite kind, a man of the world, 

He'd heard of your wealth and his heart was unfurled. 



6 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

He would willing'ly do what lay in his power. 
To bring me to town by the seven o'clock hour, 
If, then I replied, motive power you'll render, 
I'll quickly accept your generous tender. 
And now I am here, three hours past time. 
But in season to save you, and do it in rhyme. 

Mr. B. {Rising in utter amazement.) 
Physician much loquacious, 
My appetite is quite rapacious. 
I have no sweats or chills at night. 
But I fear my liver is not right. (Seizing head.) 
Sometimes my cerebellum feels as large as a water- 
melon. 
Oft in my stomach, there appears to be a terrible 
hummock. 



One doctor's great delight is \ 

To say I have appendicitis. \ 

Dr. S. 



Contemptuously. 



Have charity, pray, for the profession, 
Or you may get a wrong impression. 
Fashions and fads are observed in all vocations, 
And doctors must have their daily rations. 

The appendix for years has been neglected. 
So for it a disease was lately perfected; 
For no other purpose could this organ be used, 
So do not my friend the doctors abusetC 

It may have been useful to the prehistoric man, 
But he of to-day is on a more practical plan. 
All superfluities are now discarded. 
The race is now fast, and must not be retarded. 

Mr. B. ( With apparent sufering.) 

Doctor I'm having now such pains! such aches! such 

twinges! 
I feel as if my legs and arms and jaw were coming 

off their hinges. 

Dr. S. [Excitedly seizes Mr. B. by the arm, and walks him dotcn C.) 
Quick! try your feet, use both of your legs, 
L,et me see your teeth, what is your age? 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 7 

( They stop, C. Dr. S. examines Mr. B's teeth a moment, then 
rising on Ids tip-toes, whispers something into Mr. B's ear.) 

Mr. B. {R. C, delighted.) 

Good! [ believe you. Do you feel quite sure? 
Can aught be done to effect a cure? 

Dr. S. (C.) 

Answer first a few more questions, 
Then listen after to my sug-g-estions. 

( They take chairs from L. and place them C. and L. C.) 
{Dr. S. sits L. C. Mr. B. sits C.) 

Do you feel a crawling-creeping, 
When you wake up, just after sleeping? 

Mr. B. 

Yes, and a raking-scraping in my liver, 
Enough to make a strong man shiver. 

Jh\ S. (Excitedly drawing his chair nearer to Mr. B.) 
And a pouring-roaring in your ears. 
Many sad thoughts and frequent fears? 

Mr. B. [Also, excitedly hitching vp his chair.) 

Yes, and a twitching-itching down my legs 

(Placing his hands to his ears. 
And a muching-crunching as of eggs. 

Dr. S. (More excited.) 

A yanking-jerking at your spine? 
First up, then down, and all the time? 

Mr. B. (Greatly excited.) 

A hurry-scurry in my brain 

As if something crawled in, then out again. 

Dr. S. (Still mo7'e excited.) 

A crawling-rumbling? 

A creeping-tumbling? ^ 

A wriggle-jiggle in your veins? 

All sorts of aches, all sorts of pains? 

3Tr. B. (Shoidng symptoms.) 

Most true. Oh, dear! my ear! Oh, zounds! 
I hear, how queer, such sounds! 



8 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Now like the bursting of a big- torpedo, 
And now the boreing, boreing of a teredo, 
And in my stomach a razzleum-dazzleum — 

Dr. S. {Interrupting.) 

Enough ! You have them ! 
[Both rise excitedly. ) 

I can see it with one eye. 

You are a perfect boarding-house for bacilli! 

Alas! Alas! I see you're in their power, 

A coma-bacillus multiplies a million in an hour! 

Your' tissues, membranes, linings are wasting all 

away, 
By fermentation, ebullition, coagulation and decay. 

Mr. B. ( WitJt crazy delight. ) 

I knew it! I knew it! Just what I have said. 
It's a microbic state, not wheels in the head. 
Oh, skillful man, you tell the truth, 
I've always thought it from my youth. 
My poor dead wife would ne'er believe it, 
vShe died I'm sure of bacilli-fugit. 

Br. S. 

Your I^atin, Sir, is somewhat mixed. 
But your other troubles can be fixed, 
Now listen to me, without fear, 
You'll be repaired within a year. 

M.. B. 

What, after twenty years of pains and worry. 
You'll make me whole in such a hurry? 

Br. S. 

You shall be well in every muscle, 
You pay the bills, I'll do the hustle. 

Mr. B. 

Most generous shall be the amount, 
Free access to my bank-account. 

Br. S. 

That must, of course, be your own election. 
It surely agrees with my complexion. 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 9 

Mr. B. 

Then every microbe you can drive 
From out my system, dead or live? 

Dr.S. 

Eivery form of life which pain entails, 
Shall depart at once from j'our entrails. 

Mr. B. 

Most wonderful and learned man. 

You shall have a chance to do it, if you can. 

Dr. S. (Producing a pocket medicine-case, takes a pliial therefrom 
and gives it to Mr. B.) 

This is my Bacillus number 41, 
Take one drop upon your tongue, 
Take it when the gas you light, 
Every other other Wednesday night. 

Mr. B. 

What add to the number of bacilli? 
I can not understand the why. 

I)r. s. 

The principle is this, it can not err, 
''Similia, Similibus, Curantur.''^ 
This bacillus is like a ferret, 
It's very safe, and of great merit. 
All other microbes do from it run, 
It is a terror to a bacterium. 

Mr. B. {Examining the pJiial.) 

Then from my system, as rats from a cellar. 
Other germs will be driven by this fellow? 

I)r. S. 

That's it exactly, all around. 

From ears to toe nails, he will bound, ^ 

Death to all germs is his battle-cry; 

The most formidable of bacilli. 
{Producing another phial and giving it to Mr. B.) 

This is my Bacillus number 42, 

And I will tell you what 'twill do. 

It keeps its eye on 41, and when that microbe's work 
is done, 



10 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

It starts up and begins to run, 
And as it runs, it's sure to hollo, 
And 41 will always follow. 
Then from your system 42 
Will cause his brother to pursue. 
Why then, at last, it's plain to see. 
From a horde of bacteria you are free. 
Mr. B. {Affectionately examining the p7iial.) 
When must I take your 42? 

Dr. S. 

Only on Saturdays, that will do. 

Both 41 and 42 

Are artificial cultures which I brew. 

Each drop contains one germ, that's all, 

They would keep much longer if in alcohol. 

But they'd get tight, and in such condition 

Could not be expected to perform their mission. 

They live just one month by the clock, 

And then are renewed by another drop. 

Mr. B. 

Man of most prodigious, mighty brain. 
We n'er shall see your like again. 
Consider me your friend for life. 
Bring all your children and your wife; 
I'll build for you a house and home, 
A laboratory with a dome. 

Dr. S. {Aside.) 

I've made a hit, it's plain to see, 
What wonderful credulity. 

Mr. B. 

Prithee, good doctor, our dinner waits. 
{Dr. S, after rubbing his own stomach, earnestly seizes Mr. B's 
hands.) 

Follow me to the salle a manger, 
You shall be my guest distingue, 
{Mr. B. goes up to C. D. Dr. S. trots after him, with his usual 
mincing step. Exeunt both, C. D.) 

{Enter Anti Septic, Anti Fyrine and Anti Dote, R. D.) 



THR BACTERIOLOGIST. 11 

Anti S. (L., with nervous cough.) 

Ahem! Our poor brother must be crazy, 

(Anti P. [C, witJi deep voice, wJiich is to be continued through the 
piece.) 

His wealth, I fear has made him lazy. 

A}iti D. [R., with Jdgh sharp voice, xchich is to he continued 
through the piece.) 

That's it exacth', if he had to work. 
He'd soon forg-et this peculiar quirk. 

Anti S. 

Ahem! When leisure comes with store of wealth, 
We think forsooth, we're in poor health, 
But while we labor for the pelf. 
We have little time to think of self. 

Anti P. 

We make our fortunes and retire. 
And then ourselves we do admire. 
That we are smarter than our brother 
Is the mig-hty idol we soon discover. 

Anti D. 

Upon a pedestal we place it hig-h. 
That all may worship who pass by, 
And every sycophant bows and bends, 
With naught in view but selfish ends. 

Anti 8. 

Ahem! This constant study of ourselves. 
If physical, and nothing- else, 
Adds not one virtue, not one merit 
To the bunch of rubbish we inherit. 

Anti P. ^ 

We note each pain, each every ache, 
And drug's in quantities we take, 
So that life's years of ten times seven 
Are a rough and rugged road to heaven. 

Anti D. 

To heaven, you say, I fear it may 
Be a road that leads the other waj'. 



12 THE BACTEKIOLOGIST. 

Anti S. 

Ahem! Our poor dear brother so erratic, 
Oft have I heard him say emphatic, 
That he'd rather live in a back attic 
Than suffer the ills of a microbatic. 

Anti P. 

We try to have his food nutritious. 
He will not take it, he's so capricious. 
Still he will eat and eat of cakes and pies, 
But we all else must sterilize. 

Anti D. 

Was ever trial so severe? 
But then to us he's very dear. 
We still must bear it for a while, 
Or else be cut off from his pile. 

Anti S. 

Ahem! Of course, of course, we mu&t endure. 

Perhaps this doctor him will cure. 

But if he can not mend his health. 

We'll share with pleasure his great wealth, 

Anti P. 

Yes, let him change our names again. 
We'll find no fault, if ten times ten. 
While there's no method in his madness, 
We'll take it all as if in gladness. 

Anti D. 

You've reached, at last, a wise conclusion, 

All else would be to our confusion. 
Anti IS. — Ahem I 

{All Exeunt L. D.) 
{Enter Mike Crobe and Angina Pectoris, C. D. They walk forward.) 

MikeC. {C.) 

Oi tells you Ann, yez are mistaken. 
It comes from ating ham and bacon. 

(lie looks wise.) 
Ages ago, in Asia-Minor, 
'Twas common there to have trichina. 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST, 13 

Angina P. (L. C.) 

Now Mike, does yez say so? 
And how does yez know? 
Now what is your object 
In desaving me so? 

Mike a 

Oi would not desave you for all the world, Ann, 
Now try and belave me, if iver you can. 

Angina P. 

Sure Mike, I'm not a very old timer, 
But this I knows about Asia-Minor, 
Within its borders was niver old China, 

Mike C. (In disgust.) 

Oh, ig'norant ramus ! phat do you mane? 
Trichina and China were niver the same. 

Angina P. 

Trichina yez says? Thin, I mishundersthood, 

He must have taken thim down while ating his food. 

Mike C. {Gazing at Iter with admiration.) 
You're right, my swate lass, 
"What quick comprehinsion; 
And other good things. 
Too numerous to mintion. 

Angina P. [Coyly.) 

Now Mike, don't flatter an honest girl, plase. 
You're too foine altogither. Too Frenchy your ways. 

Mike U. {Indignantly.) 

Ivery bit of me's Irish, from me head to me foot. 
And me father's name, 'fore me, was Daniel 
O'Rourke. 

. Angina P. v 

Thin how does it come that your name is now Crobe? 
Oh, Michael ! Oh, Michael ! I fears you're a rogue, 

Mike C. {Taking her by the hand and leading her forward.) 

Hush ! hush ! and I'll tell yez, but you must promise 

to kape it. 
For in this house, at laste, it is a family sacret. 



14 THE BACTERIOI,OGIST. 

Angina P. 

Upon me sowil, as I am bidden, 
Within me buzum it shall be hidden. 
But it graves me sort of like 
That, after all, yez are not Mike. 

Mike G. {Looking cauHou&ly around.) 

Four years have come and passed away 
Sence Oi wended hither one summer's day. 
'Twas after woruck Oi was intint, 
When through the g-arding gate Oi wint. 

Now just fornenst me, pale as a ghost, 

Sat Mr. Bacterium, shtill as a post. 

Oi shook and thrembled and was running- away. 

Whin all at onst Oi heard him say: 

"Come here," says he; I'll come, says Oi. 

"At once," says he; To onst, says Oi; 

And thin he asked me name and mission, 

Why I'd intered his g-rounds without permission. 

My name Oi said, is Pat O'Rourke, 
I'm saking after some kind of woruck. 
Now dearest, listen to me whole confission. 
He said I'll employ you on one condition. 
Your name, good Pat, Oi do not like, 
Oi like far better the name of Mike. 

Says Oi, for myself sor, the name of Pat 
Sames much less Irish than the other that 
You wish to change my name into. 
But thin I'll take it, if it suits you. 

"It's a bargain thin," says he to me, 
"Your other name shall be, let's see — 
Why Crobe, of course, thin the two togither 
Will be Mike Crobe, foriver and iver." 

Angina P. 

Ah ! the poor master has microbes on the brain. 

And would yez belave it, whin I came, 

He insisted that I should change my name. 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. IS 

His son and daug'hter, and sisters three, 

He has chang-ed their names, as we all see, 

They dares not cross him, 'cause he's rich. 

So they sticks right to him like Burgundy pitch. 

But thin ag-in, he's very nice. 

And whin he dies, they'll git a slice. 

Mike C. 

A slice of him, or of his money? 
Jist plase explain yezself, me honey. 

ArKjuia P. 

None of yez nonsense, Pat O'Rourke, 

A much better name than the one you've took, 

Mike C. {Anxiously looking around.) 

Now dear, to you Oi do appale 

My real name niver to revale, 

But tell me swatest, for love or money, 

What your name is, my little bunny. 

Angina P. 

Oh, Pat! sure Mike, I mane. 

My real name? — Why it's Kittie Shane. 

Mike G. [Placing his arm around Angina P., while t?iey go JR.) 

If our master hasn't desaved us, 

Whin he dies, and money laves us. 

We'll have a cozy home outside the city; 

I'll be your Pat, and you my Kittie. [Exonit R.) 

ACT DROP. 



16 THi; BACTERIOLOGIST. 



ACT II. 

On the lawn at Wiggle iworth. Bacierivm Mansion seen in 
the background on flat. Fountain up C. Shrubbery up B. C. 
Large vase with flowers up Ji. Ditto up L. 2 Garden Settees R. 
Ditto L, Camp-stool doicu R. Ditto down L. 

(Cerebro and Bacterianna enter, R.) 

Cerebro (C.) 

All goes well. The doctor's wise, 
We soon shall open our father's eyes, 
Follies he'll see are not his alone, 
And in our sufferings, forget his own. 

Bacterianna (R. C) 

If we can but awaken his emotions. 

So that he'll transfer to us his curious notions, 

Forget himself, our ills deplore, 

A strong point sure we then shall score. 

Cerebro {Looking off L.) 

Here come your aunts; one, two, three, 
And others too, I think I see. 

Bacterianna {Looking off L.) 

Yes Parotitis and Bella Donna. 

Cereb7-o. 

Let us retire behind the corner. 

( They step behind shrubbery at back of stage.) 

(Enter L. Anti S., Anti P. and Anti D., also, Parotitis and 
Bella Donna.) 

Anti S. {R.) 

Ahem! We've arrived on time, mj^ sisters two. 
Now what are we expected to do? 

Anti P. {C.) 

EiSich to feign illness must endeavor. 
Can I tell a lie? No, neverl never! 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 17 

AntiB. (L. C.) 

I never can do it, I am sure, 
And how can a lie effect a cure? 

Parotitis. {£.) 

It's honest deception, my dear aunt, 

Your brother may die, if you say you can't. 

Bella D. (L.) 

Yes, it is the only thing- that can now be done, 
So the doctor relies on every one. 

AntiS. 

Ahem ! To tell three lies us three may kill, 
But if we must, — why then we will. 

Anti P. 

Sisters, we must never waver. 

This brother has done us many a favor. 

AntiB. 

And many more, we expect, forsooth; 
In this, at least, we tell the truth. 

Parotitis. 

Full instructions the doctor'll g"ive. 
Ah, here he comes, as I do live. 

{Enter Dr. Sapience L. JJ. E. With mincing steps he hurries 
down the stage, folloioed by Cerebro and Bacterianna.) 

Br. Sapience (V. raising hat.) 

Good morning- ladies, Ah ! Bacterium Junior ! 

I hope I find you in good humor. 

Are you all here? {Counting) Two servants I have 

seen. 
Who can help us g-reatly, I do ween. 
To me familiar names they both possess, 
Mike Crobe and Ang-ina Pectoris. 

Mike Crobe (From without.) 

This way, this way Miss Ann. 



18 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Dr. S. {Looking off 2 E. E.) 

Here they come as fast as they can. 
Faithful servants both woman and man. 
Now, if you please, 
You'll be seated at ease, 
Upon these settees. 

{They all take seats, Anti S., Atiti P., Anti D. on the same settee.) 

[Enter, hurriedly, Mike Crohe and Angina Pectoris, 2 E. R. 
Mike boics, taking off' his hat, and Angina courtesies.) 

Good morning Michael, good morning Ann, 
You're just in time to hear my plan. 
Miss Pectoris, here's a chair. 
And Michael, you sit there. 

(Angina sits on camp-stool, R. and Mike sits on camp-stool, L.) 
Angina P. {Aside.) 

Faith, such an honor to me is very rare. 
In me mistress' prisince, to take a chair. 

Mike C. {Aside.) 

This doctor, be gorrah ! makes me fale like a fool, 
Me manners saj's sthand up, get off the stool. 

Br. S. {Part way up C, facing audience.) 

Now ladies and gentlemen give me your attention, 

I'll soon relieve your apprehension. 

First let me say that my pathology 

Requires no excuse and no apology. 

Deception, now and then, 

Is relished by the sickest men. 

Particularly in such an abnormal case. 

Dishonesty is a thing of grace. 

So have no conscientious twinges, 

A good man's life on our action hinges. 

Mr. Cerebro Spinal Meningitis, 

The part assigned to you St. Vitus is, 

Or St. Vitus' Dance, to be more proper, 

Quite the thing for a would be doctor. 

As a medical student, j'ou know how it's engendered. 

So, of course, your part will be finely rendered. 



THE BACTERIOI.OGIST. 19 

Miss Bacterianna Bacterium, 
At first, I thoug-ht to have you dumb. 
But as this would be cruelty to your sex, 
I'll give to you a part-complex. 

Your father's symptoms, you must duplicate. 
Do so at once, don't hesitate. 
Each complaint or cry, each groan or sigh 
To imitate, at once you try. 

On you, I greatly do rely 

To draw upon his sympathy. 

For you, he can not help but grieve, 

He will not see that you deceive. 

His love for you is very great, 
He'll nibble first, then take the bait. 
For you he'll worry, forget himself, 
In sorrow for your failing health. 

Parotitis, you will please change your fluent manner, 
And, for the good of the cause, will endeavor to 

stammer. 
Your father, no doubt, when he hears j'ou mutter, 
"Will name the bacillus which makes you stutter. 

And then he'll watch 3'ou with much attention, 
And talk as if at a medical convention; 
He knows too much of this microbic thing; 
It's stuff and nonsense to a man like him. 

It's bad enough for a physician, 
And scares him out of his religion. 
For a miscrobe is a pirate and a nihilist, 
Of all creeping creatures, he's the vilest, 
And found, no matter in what region, 
He is a devil, and his name is legion. 

And now I have the honor, 

To talk to you, Miss Bella Donna. 

You will please attend your cousin, fair. 

And bestow upon her the utmost care. 



20 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

But, ever and anon, you will 
Be taken with a sudden chill. 
You'll disregard your uncle's g"aze, 
But act your part in the family craze. 

Miss Septic, would you like to be an epileptic? 
Miss Pyrine, what would you prefer to die in? 
Miss Dote, you mig-ht coug-h and sneeze and choke. 

How would you like to play the parts of furies, three? 

Microbic, this may not seem to be; 

Wait patiently, you soon will see. 

Act well your parts, keep your eye on me. 

Now, Miss Angina Pectoris, are you up in art? 

Your name sug'gests an affair of the heart. 

You first must be jolly. 

Afterwards quite melancholy. 

A nervous disease in fits and starts, 

So you will play in two good parts. 

Michael, my boy, as you're a good actor, 
I shall use you as an important factor; 
You shall be deaf, but by no means dumb, 
But be judicious in the use of your tongue. 

I see Mr. Bacterium coming this way, 
And as now I've said all I have to say, 
Kindly withdraw while he approaches. 
{Pondering.) I think we'll cure him. — That's my 
prognosis. 

{All exeunt, L., but Dr. Sapience. Enter Mr. Bacterium, R.) 

Mr. B. {R.) 

Ah, doctor, I am glad to see you. 

For I'm more comfortable when I'm near you. 

I feel your Bacillus number 41 

Now leisurely crawling through my lung. 

Dr. S. {€'., Much pleased.) 

Indeed, indeed, how can you tell? 
It should be rushing round pell-mell. 
Perhaps upon another microbe it is sneaking, 
In a moment later, it may be leaping. 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 21 

Mr. B. {Suddenly placing hand on breast.) 
I think you're right, 
Simply deploying for a fig"ht. 
Ah! Oh! [Raising foot.) 
Now the microbe's down in my toe. 

Dr. S. {Excited.) 

Yes, 41 is running- after him with a gun, 
How 42 must enjoy the fun. 

Mr. B. {Seizing his stomach.) 

Now in my stomach they all do swarm, 

It's not unlike an equinoctial storm, 

{In agony.) I wish, good doctor, I never was born. 

Br. S. 

Patience ! Our friend Bacterius Furiosus, 
Is after them with jaw-ferocious. 
There! there! You're easy again, 
Probably ten thousand he has slain. 

Mr. B. {Anxiously.) 

But doctor, to what length 

Can I rely upon iny strength? 

Will it not give out in some like way. 

All at once, as the "One Hoss Shay?" 

Dr. S. 

Fear not, forget yourself, try to be merrj'. 
You're not altogether to blatne, for 'tis hereditary. 

Mr. B. {Much interested.) 

Hereditary, how can that be? 
Please explain, I can not see. 

Br. S. 

Thy daughter, sir, in a less degree. 
Has the same affliction which troubles thee. 
Thy son of deadly toxines is not void — 
Ptomains, Albuminoids and Alkaloid. 

Mr. B. 

Horrors ! quite impossible, can it be 
They inherit all these things from me? 



22 THE BACTEKIOLOGIST. 

Dr. S. 

Your son's trouble is confined to the tongue, 

Far less dangerous than if the lung; 

'Tis not your fault entirely, but goes way back. 

For your sisters of symptoms do not lack. 

Your niece, also, is far from well, 

The whole family is under the spell. 

Now your constant mention of your ills, 

Has great control upon their wills. 

Of course imagination has much to do 
With each of them, as well as you 
The imagination is so queer, 
That even well persons who daily hear 
Of your pains and aches, in great fear are, 
That they too have bacteria. 

Now, your son in law that is to be, and your ser- 
vants, too. 
Are proofs of what the mind will do. 
Their sympathy for you has got so high 
They are beginning to show symptoms of bacilli. 

Mr. B. 

What have I done? What a cruel fate ! 
Can they not be cured? Is it now too late? 

Enter Bacterianna, unobserved, L. IT. E. Mr. Bacterium goes 
into another paroxysm, seizimj Ids head. 

Dr. 8. (Aside.) 

Another fit, just for digression, 
Probably an attack of indigestion. 

Mr. B. 

My head! my head! Oh, how it aches! 
My brain! it seethes! it stews! it bakes! 

Bacterianna (Coming down L., clutching her hair.) 
Oh, father! my head too! 
I do not know what I shall do! 
My brain is 'scaloped, fried and fricasseed! 
My eyes are full of mustard seed! 
Those crawling, jumping bacilli 
Are killing me, I'll surely die. 



THE BACTERIOI.OGIST. 23 

Mr. B. {Gazing loith amazement and pity.) 

Poor child! Can it be possible that you too 
Must suffer the tortures that I do? 

Bacterianna (L.) 

Dear father give no thought to me, 

Your sufferings I so often see,' 

That they are becoming a part of me. 

For weeks, I've felt each pang which you've endured. 

Without a hope of being cured. 

Mr. B. (Imploringly.) 

Oh, wise and wonderous physician. 
Just place yourself in my position; 
Naught count my pains, my ills. 
Give me no bactericide — no pills. 
But my child, my daughter. 
Save her from this awful slaughter! 

Dr. S. 

I'll do my best for her and you, 

You occupy the self same pew. 

Too much she dwells on your condition^ 

To cure you both shall be my mission. 

But without your help, I'm sure to fail, 

See how she looks! so very pale.- 

Bacterianna (Wildly.) 

Doctor, I feel them creeping o'er me, 

Never to health can you restore me; 

They multiply a million an hour. 

My cure is far beyond your power. 

Good bye, dear father, doctor dear, 

I'll get me gone and out of here; 

To some dark cavern will I hie, \ 

Forget my sorrows, and try to die. 

(Site rushes off L.) * 

Mr. B. 

Oh, save her doctor, I implore, 
I should have known this long before; 
Hasten quickly, as you hope for wealth. 
She may do an injury to herself. 



24 The bacteriologist. 

Dr. S. ( Haatening L. , with mincing steps. ) 

Zounds! Your fears have gToundsI 

I'll after her in bounds! in bounds! 

(Aside.) How well she plaj's her little part, 

She reached his feelings at the start. [Exit L] 

Mr. B. (Grcdtly alarmed.) 

This doctor's statement is most appalling", 
If the scourge upon us all is falling, 
My whole household, sisters, daughter, son. 
Niece, servants and every one. 

Alas! I fear that I'm to blame, 
I've dwelt to much on every pain; 
Those parasites have driven me wild, 
And I've forgot my duty to my child. 

But as to the others, in my estimation,; 

It simply is an hallucination; 

With them it comes from too much dwelling 

Upon my foolish groans and incessant yelling. 

\Ponderi>i_^,) A thought strikes me as never before, 
Doesn't the same charge come to my own door? 
My own mind is constantly dwelling 
Upon every ail and every swelling. 

Their symptoms with my own, I now will study. 
But I must not mention it to anybody. 
Microbes on them, I must not engraft, 
This doctor must save us fcom going daft. 

Enter Cerebro (L.), twitching with St. Vitus'' Dance. 

■Verebro. 

My dear friend, all in a trice, 

I come to ask of you advice, 

Tell me the sensation, or the feeling 

Produced by bacilli o'er you stealing. 

(He writhes.) 

I've watched your sufferings a long time 
Until your symptoms I think are mine. 
There's not a wiggle, writhe or twist 
Known to mankind, which I have missed. 

(He writhes.) 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 25 

In these arms, btgiiining' with the shoulders, 

The microbes are gathering- like an army of soldiers. 

Now help me! help me! if in your power, 

Or I'm a dead man within an hour! [He writhes.) 
Mr.B. \SJiuddering .) 

Desist! desist! I say it emphatic! 

Calm yourself, be less dramatic! 
Oerehro [Jerking and twisting in all directions.) 

Impossible; why can't you see 

That I have got a move on me? 

Tell me how those little creatures 

Can distort, and haul, and change my features. 
Mr. B. [Trying to calm Mm.) 

There! there! In all my experience, never a germ 

Could cause me thus to twist and turn. 

No bacillus could make you thus to prance. 

It's a plain case of St. Vitus' Dance. 

Cerebro [Again in motion.) 

Dear sir, I do affirm 

All disease comes from a germ. 

I feel them gathering from every quarter. 

The horde is preparing for great slaughter. 

3Ir. B. 

Nonsense! It's but a mental freak. 

Come, come poor fellow, you're very weak. 

You've watched my symptoms with too much concern, 

Now give your mind some other turn. 

Cerebro. 

My dearest sir, it's not a mental-notion. 

But a clear case of perpetual motion. [Writhes.) 

To-day the bacilli are most atrocious, 

Their appetite is now ferocious. ( WritJies.) 

Mr. B. [Endeavoring to soothe him.) 

Now! now! 'tis all imagination, 

There's no necessity for this gyration. 

My dear boy, I know best. 

All you need is a little rest. 

Come to the house, the doctor's there, 

Place yourself, at once, within his care. 



26 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Cerebro ( Violently excited.) 
Avaunt! I can't! 
I wont! I shan't! 
I know, I know 'tis 
A Bacillus-Typhosis! 
I'm drag^ged by force, 
As by a horse! 

Don't try to stop me, I must go I 
I'll take no advice from friend or foe! 
( With many ttcitches, Mwries up stage and off R. U. E.) 

Mr. B. ( Wringing Ms hands.) 

Alas! alas! Oh! oh! oh! 

Am I responsible for all this woe? 

And he so young, so bright and intellectual, 

With a motive-power which seems perpetual! 

{Holding up his foot and seizing his shin.) 

Again I feel them climbing up my shins! 

And now they're in my eyelid rims! 

Now in my elbows! Now in my knees! 

They are everywhere, like a swarm of bees. 

{Calling aloud, and walking up and down stage.) 

Mike! Mike! Call quick the doctor! 

Bring me a fan, and a glass of water! 

Where is my phial of 41? 

Ah, here it is, I must take some. 

{Produces phial and touches it to his tongue.) 

{Enter Mike Crobe, E.) 

Mike 0. 

Master, did you call? 
Oi can scarcely hear at all — at all. 
Something has come over me all at onct, 
And Oi fales as stupid as a dunce. 

Mr. B. {Looking amazed.) 

What you poor Michael, too! 
Has the plague caught onto you? 
Are things really what they seem. 
Or am I only in a dream? 



THE BACTERIOI.OGIST. 27 

Mike C. ( Placing his hand to his ear.) 
A little loaded, sor, Oi pray, 
Oi can hardly hear a word to-day. 

3{r. B. 

Yes, on you too they have g:ot a gripe, 
Throufjh your thick hide, my poor boy Mike. 

Mike C. 

Ride a bike? No Sor, 

But like everybody, 

Oi sometimes rides a hobby. 

Mr. B. (Producing small medicine case and looking over bottles.) 
How very deaf, poor thing-! 
You need at once some medicine. 

What shall I give you? Do j'ou know how to choose 
some? [Extending medicine case.) 

Mike C. {Taking it.) 

No sor, Oi never chews gum. 

Mr. B. {Impatiently.) 
Choose some, 
Not chew gum! 

Mike 0. {Putting case into his pocket.) 
Lose them, indade sor, no. 
Where do you wish to have thim go? 

Mr. B. { Taking case from him. ) 

Now look here Mike, that case is mine, 
You do not understand a single time. 

Mike C. {Bowing.) 

Oi begs yez parding, I'm greatly fearin'. 
That I'm beginnin' to lose my hearin'. 

Mr. B. ^ 

Beginning? I should say 'twere done, 
You must take something. It must not run. 
{Sits down on camp-stool, R. and points to camp-stool, L.) 
Tell me when it commenced, take a seat — 

Mike C. {Interrupting , and looking stupidly at Ids feet.) 
Big feet? Well somephat, rather, 
Oi inherited thim from me father. 



28 THE BACTERIOI,OGIST. 

Mr. B. (Nervously.) 

I said nothing- about you feet, 
What I said was take a seat. 

Mike C. (Taking up. camp-stool, L.) 

Oh, yis. Oi see. Am Oi losing my wit? 
Oi can't understand a divil a bit. 
Where, kind sor, would you have me take it? 
Don't look so hard, Oi surely wont ate it! 

Mr. B. (Quite loud, and exasperated.) 

Can't you hear me when I shout? 

What in the world are you thinking about? 

Be either alive, or else be dead. 

But don't act like a chowder-head! 

Mike C. (Putting his hand to his ear.) 

Did yez invite me to take some chowder? 
Oi really wish that yoix'd spake louder. 

Mr. B. (Aside.) 

I believe I'm a monster, and am responsible for his 

condition, 
How many I've ruined! Think of my position! 
I'm beginning to believe it's all a lie, 
And there's no such thing as bacilli. 

Mike (J. (Imploringly.) 

My dear Mr. Bacterium, can Oi spake to yez onct? 
Oi thinks in my brains somethin' is takin' a lunch. 
Many times and oft, I heard yez say 
There are small craters that live that way. 

Now I've heard it so much, that I've thought it over, 
And at last, Oi belaves that Oi discover 
That these varmints meself are trying to smother; 
Now, Oi besache yez to help me, Oi has no mother. 

Oi belaves they crawls into one ear, thin through 

my brain, 
Thin from the other ear comes out again. 
Now tell me truly, are these symptoms like your 

own? 
If so, (Excited.) phat in the loorld can now be done? 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 29 

J/r. B. 

Dear fellow, don't show so much alarm, 
They'll not do you any harm. 
Every one has them, good and bad, 
Don't you know its all the fad? 

Mike C. 

Fad did yez say? It sounds that way. 
What kind of a thing is thot, Oi pray? 

Mr. B. 

Well a fad is a — Oh, horrors! here's my neice, 
Who is another victim of my caprice. 
They say her trouble is fever and chills, 
I'll give to her some quinine pills. 
[Much vexed.) 

I suppose she too thinks, its crawling-creepers. 
I'll hire a dozen insane-keepers. 
Crawling-creepers or creeping-crawlers, 
Such mere trifles shall not appall us. 
[Reflecting.) Still the fact must be confessed, 
N'er was a family so possessed. 

[Enter Bella Donna, hurriedly, R. She goes to Mr. B.mnd kneels.) 

Bella Donna. 

My dearest uncle, I wish to say. 
From this place I'd haste away. 
Would that I had wings. 
To fly from bacilli and things! 

Mike C. 

Would that Oi were a balloon, 

I'd sail, at onct, up to the moon. ^ 

Bella D. [Seized with a chill, R. C.) 
Oh, my! I feel a chill, 
I'll freeze! I know I will ! 

Mike C. [Shaking.) 

Oi feels a shiver 

Way through my liver! 



30 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Bella D. (SJiivering.) 

To think that I must die of bacilli! 
To save me not a sing^le soul will try. 
What a terrible death for me is chosen, 
Like lemon-ice to be frczeni — frczen! 

Mike C. (Aside.) 

Poor Miss Bella Donna, 
Bedad! she's sure a goner. 
The poor child's in a frenzy. 
It's a clear case of influeuzy. 

Mr. B. 

Come my dear, you must have more will, 
It's nothing- but a simple chill. 

Bella D. 

For many years, forgetting self, 
I've tried to nurse you back to health; 
But now, when I'm so very ill, 
I'm told it's nothing but a chill. 

I've watched your symptoms night and day. 
Sorrowed for your sufferings I could not allay; 
At last, the bacillus has got me too, 
I feel so badi What shall I do? {Hhe tceejis.) 

Mr.B. {Oreatty affected.) 

Another victimi Always good and kind. 
Something must be done, or she'll lose her mind. 

Bella D. ( P leading. ) 

Uncle, uncle, don't let me diel 
You can save me, if you try. 

Mr. B. {Hurriedly producing pocket-case and giving lier a powder.) 
Yes, yes, I think that I can fix it, 
Take this powder, in water mix it. 
Hasten, don't delay. 
You should take it right away. 

Bella D. 

I'll do anything you think I ought er. 
How much powder and how much water? 



THE BACTEKIOI,0GIST. 31 



Mr. B. 



Run to the house, lose no time, 

It IS a powder call quinine. 

See the doctor, he can tell 

Just how much will make you well. 

{Bella D., shivering, Jiurries up stage and off L. U. E.) 
(Mr. B. walks up and doion, greatly agitated.) 

Mike C. (Ooitig B.) 

Oi belaves me master will soon have enoug'h 
Of this microbe kind of stuff. 

Mr. B. {Still walking.) 

These people, sure, will drive me wildl 
But I'd nearly forg-otten about my child. 
The doctor by this time should be back, 
I'll follow after in his track. 

{He hurries up L., but is met by Anti S. and Anti P., who 
enter 2 E. L.) 

Anti D. {Enters, E. Mr. B. returns.) 

Sisters have you heard what's taken place? 
It means destruction to our race! 

{Anti S. and Anti F. icildly seize Mr. B. by the arms and 
walk Mm to R. Cor. ) 

{Anti D. wildly seizes Mike C. and walks him to L. Cor.) 

The three Antis in concert. 

Ha! ha! hal ha! We three furies are! 
Our principal diet is bacteria! 

Anti «S'. {Clearing throat.) 

Ahem! For breakfast, we have microbes fried in 

batter, 
And we are g^rowing- fatter! and fatter! 

Anti P. 

And for our lunch. 

We have bacilli in our punch! 

As a family group. 

We have micro-organisms in our soup! 



32 THE BACTERIOI^OGIST. 

Anti D. 

For dinner what we like most 

Is a broiled bacteriologist on our toast. 

Mike C. {Looking fririhtened.) 

Oi belaves, dear Madam, 
That indade you have them, 
Kindly relase your loving grasp, 
Oi prefers a less affectionate clasp. 

Mr. B. (Breaking away, and in great cdarm, going C.) 
Mike! Mike I These are new features I 
What can be done with these poor creatures ? 
To an asylum all they shall be carried. 
Would that they long ago were married! 

{Anti S., Anti P. and Anti D, scream, and seizing Mike C, 
hurry hin up the stage. Mike C. is terribly frightened. Angina 
P. enters, 2 E. R.) 

Angina P. {R.) 

Oh, plase good ladies, let him be! 
Don't take me Mike, away from me! 

{Mike breaks away and runs to Angina.) 

MikeC.{R.) 

They are crazy, one and all, 

You should have heard thim scranie and squall! 
{Mike C. embraces Angina.) 

Mr. B. {Indignantly, going L.) 

Michael! let this never again occur! 

Mike C. {Placing his hand to his ear.) 

Plase spake a little louder sor! 

{Anti S., Anti P. and Anti D. scream and swoop down upon 
Mr. B. and seizing him are about to drag him off, when they are 
met by Parotitis, who enters, L. Mr. B. releases himself and goes 
C. — Exeunt, L., Anti S,, Anti P. and Anti D.) 

Mr. B. {C, Excitedly.) 

Be they fiends or furies, or be they cranks, 

I'll have no more of their foolish pranks! 

If they ever do this thing again, 

I'll have them bound together with a ball and chain! 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 33 

Parotitis. (L.) 

Far-far-far-father, why this up-up-up-uproar? 

Der-der-don't get so excited, I im-im-implore I 
3fr. B. (Furious.) 

Uproar? It's tumult! bustlel confusioni 

PandemoniumI Sheol! — No illusioni 

Pca'otitis. 

I-I-I know, ber-ber-but they are fer-fer-fuU of mi-mi- 

inicrobes, like you and me. 
They ner-ner-ner-know not wha-wha-what they do, 
and car-car-can't you see? 

Angina P. 

These m.icrobes, — what you call thim, — have taken 

possession, 
Of you and me, and the whole procession. 
Parotitis. 

Yer-yer-yer-yes, they have g'er-g'er-g'ot me rig-ht by 

the ter-ter-ter-tong-ue. 
Which is qui-qui-qui-quite as bad as the liv-liv-liver 

or ler-ler-ler-lung-. 
You have always tau-tau-tau-taught me of such 

thing's. 
And now they have ta-ta-ta-taken me under their 
we-we-we-wing's. 
Angina P. 

Some makes me mournful, sad and melancholy, 
And others tickles me; thin I'm jolly. 
AlasI poor Mike quite fable grows. 
They're in his ears, they're in his nose. 

[Smoothing Hike's hair.) 
Mike V. ( To Angina P. ) 

They have bored and pulled and thwisted this ear 
Until now it's impossible for it to hear. 
Bedad! Oi wish you would louder spake. 
For the other ear is very wake. 
Mr. B. {Aside, sadly.) 

And I'm responsible! See what I've wroug^ht! 
Of no one but myself I've thoug-ht, 
I've studied too much this bacteriolog'y, 
I'm through forever with anthropology! 



34 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Come with me son, a change of scene 
May bring us back to health again. 
That we ourselves do often deceive, 
I'm beginning gradually to believe. 

We'll oif at once to the salt air, 
We'll steal away from the microbe's lair. 
The summer months shall there be spent. 
And the ingenious bacillus, we'll circumvent. 

Parotitis. 

In the doc-doc-doctor we'll have re-re-reliance, 
And show theger-ger-germs a strong de-de-defiance. 
To he-he-he-him we'll make ap-ap-ap-appliance 
For the bes-bes-best remedies known to sci-sci 
science. 

(Exeunt Mr. B. and Parotitis, L.) 

Mike C. 

Ann, did you hear the master, phat he said? 
He thinks we're dying and nearly dead. 
To the say-shore he'll take us, dearest Ann, 
Where we'll pursue the festive clam. 

Angina P. 

■*■ But Michael, I've had no chance to play me part, 
I had great hopes to make me mark. 

Mike C 

Don't be impatient, wait 'till we rache 
The sandy shore of Long Branch Bache. 

Angina P. (Alarmed.) 

But phat if he should have a notion 
To drown us all in the Atlantic Ocean? 

Mike C. 

The frake of a crazy man, perhaps it's so. 
We'll think of it twice before we go. 

(Exeunt, R.) 

ACT DROP. 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 35 

ACT III. 

Beach at Long Branch. The Sun rising. A few vessels 
and a steamer seen in the distance sailing from R. to L. A 
row-boat containing two fishermen goes by near the shore, 
from L. to R. The fishermen are singing: ''A Life on the 
Ocean IVave.'" Small rocA near water, R. Mr. Bacterium 
discovered back of stage looking through telescope off to sea. 
After the boat gets by, Mr. B. goes forward. Steamers and 
vessels, in the distance, occasionally sail by during the entire 
act. 

Mr. B. {Sadly.) 

The ocean ebbs and flows, 

But my poor child no better grows. 

'Tis now a month since we came here, 

She's growing- worse, I greatly fear. 

My own health, how strange to say, 

Is getting better every day, 

I have less dread of the terrible germ, 

And seldom now have a microbe turn. 

But when I have one, 'tis more severe, 

And if my daughter then is near. 

She's seized at once with the same feeling, 

Her sufferings then are heart appealing. 

My entire household now is with me, 

I pray that each one may forgive me. 

Their afflictions all were caused by my example, 

But my punishment has now been ample. 

Since we arrived the bacilli have held high carnival, 
They stick to each one like a barnacle; 
But the doctor says he has them in control, 
And will save each person, body and soul, 

(Enter Dr. .Sapience, L. L/e hastens in his usual man- 
ner to L. C.) 

Dr. Sapience. 

Ah, friend Bacterium you're up bright and early. 
Are you prepared for the daily hurly-burly? 
I've been my rounds, all the patients seen, 
I find their condition, — well — betwixt and between. 



36 THE BACTERIOIvOGIST. 

Mr. B. [Anxiously.) 

My daughter, sir? 

Dr. S. 

Be not so anxious, my kind friend, 
For I assure you, in the end, 
She will improve as you do mend. 
If you are well, she too will be, 
Her case is one of sympathy. 

Mr. B. 

I know it doctor, I'd give much gold, 

If my feelings could be better controlled; 

But I believe I'm improving some, at least, 

{Confidentially in a deep voice.) 
There are fewer parasites at the feast. 

Dr. S. [Aside.) 

Poor fellow, he is doing well, but yet a little oflF, 

[Touches head.) 
Still more likely to be cured than a consumptive- 
cough. 
We are bringing him gradually into line, 
A cure to be permanent takes some time. 

( To Mr. B., placing a poivder on his tongue.) 
I wish to give to you a tonic-bracer, 
For if I'm correct with my morning's tracer, 
Our patients to-day will cause much trouble; 
I believe the cauldron will boil and bubble. 

As I've just come from off my rounds, 
I for my opinion have good grounds. 
Their imaginations to-day are working high, 
It's your own old crankism — bacilli. 

Mr. B. 

Oh, I dread their actions, but I'll try to endure, 
And, as promised, will help you to effect their cure; 
For certainly most of their ills myself created, 
I deserve to be loathed, despised and hated. 
( They retire to back of stage.) 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 37 

{Enter, R. Mike C. and Angina P., both arrayed in very 
fantastic bathing-suits. 

Mike C. {Going C.) 

Ann, my darlint, these bathin' suits are nioighty 

foine, 
How the people stare at us, all the time. 

Angina P. (P. C.) 

Their rudness is phat I calls an imposition, 
The offspring- of an invious disposition. 

Alike C. 

Yis, be gorrah! They invy us our excellent taste. 
But they moight be civil, to say the laste. 
{Mr. B. and Dr. S. cotne forward laughing.) 

Dr. S. (L. C.) 

Well, Michael how fine you do appear, 
Can you hear any better with that ear? 

Mike C. {Placing hand to ear.) 

Sor, did you say that Oi looks queer? 

( Turning to Angina.) 
Plase tell me phat he said, my dear. 

Dr. S. 

Now Michael, turn and face the ocean, 
Watch my lips, observe their motion. 
I did not say that you look queer, 
I asked you simply about your ear. 

Mike C. 

Plase say it agin in my off-ear, 

Oi thinks Oi thin may be able to hear. 

Dr. S. {Taking out medicine-case.) 

Here my poor fellow, take this trituration. 

It's sure to work like an inspiration. 
{He pulls down Alike'' s chin and empties a poivder into 
his mouth.) 

Mr. B. {L.) 

Doctor, what seems to be the young woman's ail- 
ment? 
Does it admit of a curtailment? 



38 THE BACTERIOI.OGIST. 

Dr. S. 

lyookl While you speak, the spell is working, 
See! Her eyes and nose and ears are jerking! 

{Angina seized with a fit of wild laughter.') 

Mr. B. ( Who has been greatly concerned, when she subsides 
slightly.) 

Great Julius Czesar! 

Give her something, if you can, to ease her! 

Angina P. {Taken with a melancholy turn.) 

Kind gintlemen, pity! oh, pity! me sorrows, 

I pray, 
All is darkness! not a single bright ray! 

Mr. B. {Nervously excited.) 

Poor thing! Doctor give her a sedative, — morphine! 

opium! anything! — squills! 
Ipecac! paregoric! — something in liquid, powder or 

pills! 

Angina P. {R. C.) 

Ha! ha! ha! Now they tickles me under the arum! 
Ha! ha! ha! they've gone! A false alarum! 
(She goes C. Mike C. goes to R.) 

Dr. S. {Giving her a package of powders, and emptyi^ig one 
on her tongue.) 

Take these powders at your leisure, 
When the microbes try to tease you. 

Mike C. {Striking an attitude.) 

Take a powder on yez tongue, 
Whin the varmint's in your lung. 

Mr. B. {Raising his hands in horror.) 

Alas! And am I too responsible for such verses? 
Then I deserve much execration, many curses. 

Mike C. 

Place the powder on the microbe's tail, 
Thin to catch him yez can not fail. 

Mr. B. {Exasperated.) 

Angels and ministers of grace defend us! 
Dr. Sapience this is tremendous! 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 39 

Angina P. {Looking over her package of powders. ) 
Michael, me b'y, will yez have a powder? 

3Iike C. 

Phat's thot? Plase spake a little louder. 

Angina P. {Solemnly.) 

Louder is it ye'd hev me spake? 

HistI JDid ye know it? We're at a wakel 

Say these divils a walking- round! 

Hear their loud scrachel What a terrible sound! 

(Laughs madly .) Ha! ha! ha! ha! 

Mr. B. (Seized with horror.) 

Dr. Sapience! As you're a man, 

Cure this female, if you can! 

She drives me mad! — By the Great Mog-ul, 

Take her and repair her skull! 

Dr. S. 

Sir, I will, it shall be done. 
Consider the job already begun. 

Mr. B. (Seizing his head in confusion and rushing L.) 
Oh! oh! oh! 
Come doctor, let us go! 

[Exit, L. Dr. Sapience trots after him.) 
( Mike and Angina, laughing, dance to L. and then back to R.) 

Mike C. 

Oh, loveliest of wimming. 

We'll to the bache and go in swimming. 

Angina P. 

All right, 'tis now jist seving, 
I'm excused from work until eleving. 
(Exeunt Mike and Angina, R.) 

(Enter, 2 E. L., Parotitis, and Bacterianna leaning on 
Bella Donna, who leads her to small rock, R. All are in 
bathing suits.) 



40 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Bella D. 

There cousin, rest you on this stone, 
You'll not be left here long- alone. 
For yonder comes Cerebro, and I am ill, 
I'm about to have another chill. 

Bacterianna. 

Go to the boat-house, which is close by, 
Where in the hammock you can lie; 
Nothing- there will keep you awake, 
Unless, perchance, you have a shake. 

(^She sits down on rock and looks off to sea.) 

Parotitis. 

Ba-ba-ba-bathe your head in the salt water, 
And ta-ta-take within something hot-hot-hotter. 
Le-le-lean on me cousin Bell-Bell-Bella, 
You'll fi-fi-fi-find me a good pro-pro-pro-propeller, 
{Kicks the ground with his foot as he gets the last word 

out.) 

Bella D. 

Oh, Parry, how I shiver and shake, 
All last night I lay awake, 
Icicles coursed through all my veins, 
I took of quinine at least ten grains. 

Parotitis {Petting her.) 

There der-der-dear, how nice 't must seem. 
Every ni-ni-night, when you do dream, 
To the-the-think you are ice-cream. 

Bella D. {Shivering.) 

Parry! Parry! You are too cruel, 

I need something hot, a bowl of gruel. 

Parotitis. 

Bell-Bell-Bella, you talk like a f u-fu-fuil. 
When you ask for such stuff as gru-gru-gruel. 
Wha-wha-what you need is a whis-whis-whiskey 

tod-tod-toddy. 
It's sure to warm almost any bod-bod-bod-body. 
{Kicks the ground.) 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 41 

Bella D. 

This crusade on the microbes does not pay, 
They're sure to beat us in some way. 
Why did I not stop and count the cost, 
Before selling myself to old Jack Frost? 

{^She shivers.) 

Parotitis. 

We're two unfortunate vic-vic-victims. 
Poo-poo-poor Bell-Bell-Bella, 

I'm nothing- but a stam-stam-stam-stammering' fell- 
fell-feller. 
I puck-puck-pucker my mouth to ut-ut-utter. 
And all I can do is to stut-stut-stut-stutter. 

( He k icks th e gro u n d. ) 

Bella D. [Her teeth chattering.) 

But still we love each other, don't we Parry? 
And when this spell is oyer, we will marry. 
We'll both return to our former condition. 
And you'll cease your constant repetition. 

(Exeunt Parotitis and Bella Donna, R.) 
{Enter Cerebro, in bathing-suit, L.) 

Cerebro ( Writhing.) 

My love, can you doubt my devotion? 
It is attested by my every motion. 

( Twists and turns.) 

Bacterianna {Risingfro>n rock.) 

Ha! ha! ha! a most ardent lover. 
Not a difficult matter to discover. 

Cerebro [C.) 

Permit me to enquire as to your bacterial friends. 
To know that they're with you requires no lens. 
I think your father's cure is nearly effected. 
The doctor's wisdom should be highly respected. 

Bacterianna. (P.) 

Indeed it should be, and as to my microbic friends, 
I shall part with them gladly when this drama ends. 
What if they should stay by us all our lives? 
I should scratch out both of the doctor's eyes. 



42 THE BACTERIOI.OGIST. 

Cerebro. {Gyrating.) 

It is getting to be a serious work, 
For at ordinary times I twist and jerk. 
Without a thought of playing or acting, 
I find myself a filling and backing. 

For instance to-day, I raised my hat 
To a lady friend, — nothing strange in that. 
But off flew my hand in a tangent-curve; 
This acting business is killing my nerve. 

I'm losing control of my facial action. 

If I continue much longer, I shall be an attraction. 

A.lready the urchins, as I pass by. 

Grin at each other with a wink of the eye. 

Bacterianna. 

And I too, unconsciously do. 
Much the same as stated by you. 
Although my troubles are of a different kind, 
I find this acting affects my mind. 

Cerebro. [Seized with a paroxysm.) 

Dearest maiden in bathing vestures, 
Note, oh, note my many gestures. 
My love for you is no mere notion, 
But is as broad as this great ocean. 

Bacterianna. 

Press not thy suit, it would be mean 
Until things are more like what they seem, 
lyove's mission fails in sea-shore robes. 
When lovers are infested by miscrobes. 

Cerebro. 

But then dear angel in swimming attire, 
I love you much, you much admire. 
Shall a few bacteria quench this fire? 
They should not enervate, but should inspire. 

(He writhes.) 

Bacterianna. ( Taken again.) 
"Fe! fi! fo! fum! 
They come! they come! 
Up and down I feel them run! 



THE BACTEKIOLOGIST. 43' 

Cerebro {Pointin;^ to Bactcrianna.) 

Fresh importation, larg-e arrival and new stock. 

{Scizine; his sides.)- 
I too! "Hickory! dickery! dock!" 

{/le writhes.) 

Bacterianna. 

To think that my father and other relations 
Are now all having- these sensations. 
Him first to imitate we try, 
But we are punished well for every lie. 

Cerebro. 

Microbic maiden, I still adore thee! 
Wilt be my wife? I do implore thee! 
What care I for a few bacilli? 
I'll be your slave until I die. 

Bacterianna ( Wildly.) 

Dearest Cerebro-Spinal-Meningitis, 

I've swallowed a ton of iron-pyrites! 

A cord of nettles, briers, thorns, thistles, brambles, 

A dozen pick-axes and their handles; 

My blood is boiling in my veins. 

Away vile demons from my brains! 

{Rushes forivard folloived by Cerebro.) 

Cerebro {Excitedly, C.) 

Hold! dearest one, be resolute! be firm I 
Yield not one inch to the obstreperous gerni! 
Such imaginations you should spurn. 
Out with them, trample on them, as you would a 
worm! 

Bacterianna {R. C.) / 

Oh, Cerebro! Cerebro if love me you do, 

You must love my micro-organisms too; 

They now have become a part of myself, 

They are a part of my assets, part of my wealth. 

Cerebro ( Writhing.) 

I am prepared to accept the whole shooting-match, 
Full long have I been a lonely old bach. 



44 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

I'll take the whole lot, there shall not be a hitch, 
But pardon nie a moment, while I stop for a twitch. 
[Tiv itches violently.) 

{Enter Dr. S. and Mr. Bacterium, 2 E. /.., apparently 
ujwb served.) 

Bacterianna {Aside. ) 

Ah. here's my father, I'll appear to see everything- 

but him. 
But I'll give hiui a touch of his own whim. 
But how in the world shall I begin? 
I have iti It's easier than it is to swim. 

{In a sepulchral voice.) 

The howling microbe, my dear Cerebe, 
Has come to stay, I do believe. 
Oh, will he never, never be quiet? 
I feel him starting another riot! 

Cerehro. 

Yes, he's always starting a strike. 
Tell me what now it is most like. 

Do you feel faint? How do you feel? 
The villian is having a precious meal. 

Bacterianna. 

I feel as if I'd swallowed a buzz-saw ! 
A paper of tacks and a lobster's claw! 
Broken glass, a roll of sand paper! 
A boot-jack and a lighted taper! 

{Furiously.) 

Take me Cerebro 'way into the surf! 
I wish to leave this sorrowful earth. 
Tie to my neck a heavy stone, 
Leave, oh, leave me there alone! 

Tell my dear father that his daughter. 
By following his example, died in the water; 
That he such foolishness should not have taught her. 
It would not have hapi^ened had he done as he ought 
to. 

{She rushes off {R.) ^ 



THE BACTEKIOI.OGIST. 45 

Cercbro {Alarmed.) 

Not much! It's most unlikely! 

{Seized with another attack.) 

But I'm oblig-ed to follow somewhat obliquely. 
{He starts in a straight line to follow her, but veers off 
sidezvays. Exit, R.) 

Mr. B. {Excited.) 

Can it be, doctor, she's bent on self destruction? 

Dr. S. {Also excited.) 

Her language, sir, is capable of that construction! 

Mr. B. {Looking off R.) 

Ah, there she goes out with the wave, 
Cerebro rushes out to save! 

Dr. S. {Looking in same direction.) 

Brave fellow, he's seized her by the arm! 

7^/r. B. 

I can not seel Is she out of harm? 

Dr. S. 

Yes, he is swimming toward the shore! 
But what is this we have in store? 

3Ir. B. {Anxiously.) 

Well! well! What does it seem to be? 

Dr. S. {Intensely excited.) 

They both are drifting out to sea! 

Mr. B. {Getting upon rock.) 

Merciful Heavens! I see quite plain, 

But now they're making for the shore again! 

Dr. S. 

Yes! yes! he's working hard! she is alive! 
But look! Cerebro begins to writhe! 

Of courage, the brave fellow nothing lacks, 
But he's having one of his attacks! 

Mr. B. { Wringing his hands.) 

They've disappeared! Oh, cruel fate! 
See, a boat puts oflf ! It is too late! 



46 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Dr. S. 

No! nol again he is all rig-ht! 

He's recovered his nerve, he holds her tightl 

Mr. B. {Jumping from rock.) 

Come doctorl come! my child! my child! 
{He rushes off R.) 

Dr. S. {Joyfully.) 

I come! I come! with the utmost glee, 
The maiden's saved from the briny sea! 
{Exit, R., with his usual mincing step.) 

{Enter, in haste, Mike Crobe, 2 E. R., with a lobster 
clinging to the seat of his bathing-troivsers.) 

Mike C. 

In me efforts to save me mistress from the dape 

blue say. 
Behold the crather that came niy way! 
Sure it's nather a baste nor bird, 
But it sticks like a brother, upon me worud! 

{He goes L.) 
Oh, ouch! now it bites a bit! 
Oi must get rid of the varmint, or I'll have a fit! 

Here comes a man, I'll approach him endwaj's. 
Perhaps he'll help to remove the appendage. 

{Enter Mr. Vermes, L., ivith basket of germs. JMike C. 
backs up to him.) 

My kind sor, although a stranger. 
Would you kindly help me out of danger? 
My peculiar companion, attached to my sate, 
Must have been very hungry and out of mate. 

{Mr. Vermes {Removing the lobster.) 

With pleasure, sir, how did it occur? 
One seldom sits down upon a lobster. 
There, the attachment is dissolved, 
To swallow you, it had resolved. 

Mike C. 

Thank you, I'm under great obligation, 
But tell me, plase, your occupation. 



THE BACTEKIOI.OGIST. 47 

Mr. r. \,Goi>ijr /y^.) 

I'm a vender, sir, of bacterial g-erms, 
A collector of centipedes, scorpions, terantiilas and 
worms. 

A/iA^c C. {E.vatnining contents of basket.) 

And phat in the world is this exhibit? 

3fr. V. 

Nothing" the law does me prohibit. 

Mi fee C. {Much interested.) 

Thot's rig-ht, but are yez sure they will not bite? 

3/r. I'. 

Fear not, they are perfectly harmless, — quite. 

Mike C. 

Upon me word, the likes Oi niver saw, 
Are they cooked, or are they raw? 

Mr. r. 

On the beach to sell, I've never tried, 

But live microbic germs, greatly magnified. 

JMike C. {Pointing to basket.) 

But phat is this broth of a bug with lovely fatures? 
Sich eyes, sich tails and extended reachers. 

Mr. I '. { Taking it from basket and holding it up.) 
This is a Bacillus-Typhosis from the East, 
Magnified forty million times, at least. 

Mike C. {Stepping back as if afraid.) 

Oh, Oi see. Don't let the baste get near to me. 

3/r. ]\ {Taking another bacillus from basket.) 

This is a Coma Bacillus from Boston brought. 
They are quite docile and easily caught. 
It is from the brain of a famous scholar, 
And after dark it will bark and holler. 

Mike C. 

Indade, what dilicate little things, for sure. 
Are they all genuine? — Simon pure? 



48 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Mr. V. 

Perfectly reliable, which will you try? 
This is a good one, — would you like to buy? 

Mike C. 

Well, they's very pooty, one and all. 

But kind of goods for which we has no call. 

{Picking up lobster. ) 
Here take the lobster, put it with the others, 
They are much alike, and look like brothers. 

Mr. V. {Taking lobster.) 

Then I can't sell you one for a pet? 
They're the best company you ever met. 

Mike C. 

No, Oi fears you magnifies your wares too much, 
How beautiful to the sight, if not the touch. 

Mr. V. 

They have to be magnified to be seen, 
Forty million times these all have been. 

Mike C. 

So ? Well I guess I'll not take one to-day, 

But call again when you pass this way. 
The fact is, we jist now are well supplied, 
But ours have not yet been magnified. 
{He goes R., Mr. V. goes L.) 

Good day sor, best wishes for yezself and ach 

straddle-bug, 
Sich illigant craters; finer niver were dug. 
If there was any place to kape thim round here on 

the sands, 
I'd take the whole outfit off of your hands. 
{Exit Mike Crobe, R.) 

Mr. V. {T/i rowing lobster onto groutid.') 

Times is quite hard, business seems to have went, 

For three long days, I've not made a cent. 

Now to average the profits of the week, I'll sit on 

this rock, 
And in a few moments I'll mark up my stock. 



THE BACTERIOI.OGIST. 49 

{He sits on rock, R. and exajnines the contents of his basket.) 
{Enter L., Antiseptic, Anti Pyrine and Anti Dote, all 
in bright colored bathing suits.) 

Anti S. {R.) 

Ahem! Brother Bacillus is gradually awakening- to 

reason, 
If he knew how we've fooled him, he'd think it 

high-treason. 

Anti P. (C.) 

Yes, but this business is beginning to be of too 

serious a nature, 
It tries the nerves of an impulsive creature. 

Anti D.{L.) 

The parts assigned to us are too violent altogether, 
Requiring constitutions of iron and leather. 

Anti S. 

Ahem! I hope the doctor will soon draw this thing 

to a close, 
For see to what extremes each one of us goes. 

Anti P. 

See how foolish our niece Bacterianna has been, 
By relying too much on her ability to swim. 
Had our dear friend Cerebro his swimming for- 
gotten, 
They'd both, with their microbes, gone to the bottom. 

Anti D. 

And to think, just as they were nearing the shore, 
A microbe seized him with its terrible paw. 
I tell you it's more than dangerous to try 
To trifle a bit with these strange bacilli. 

Anti S. 

Ahem! That we have them, we first made believe. 
Thinking our brother we sure would deceive. 
But whatever of acting may be our ideal. 
Behold, too soon, the microbes are real. 

Anti P. 

Whether they are real or of the imagination. 
They are to us an intoxication, an infatuation. 



so THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Anti D. 

Yes; call it imagination if you like, but soon, 
Ivike evil spirits, they are prone to commune. 
The only safe way is them to shun, 
Or in the end they'll kill us, sure as a g"un. 

Atiti S. 

AhemI Here comes our brother, again I do tremble, 
I hope this the last time we will have to dissemble. 

Anti r. 

I have iti Yonder sits Mr. Vermes examining his 

chattels, 
For our brother's benefit may this be the last of our 

battles. 
Charge sister furiesi one and all. 
Seize every germ, both great and small! 
( With a scream the three sisters rush up the stage, and 
dragging Mr. \'. from the rock, seize his stock in trade.) 

Mr. V. {Frightened.) 

I^adies! ladies! what does this mean? 
Such actions never before were seen! 

Afiti D. [L.) 

Silence! most perfidious man, 
Or else, we'll fry you in a pan! 

Anti .S. [C, distriluiting Mr. Vermes'' microbes from baslcet.) 
Ahem! Here sister Pyrine take this crobe. 
Conceal it quickly beneath your robe. 
And here are more, just three for you, 
Take them home and have a stew. 

[Anti P. tatzes them, cautiously.) 

Mr. V. [R.) 

Oh, ladies don't! don't! Oh, don't! 

Give me my pets—" 

The three sisters, interrupting: 

No! no! We won't we won't! 

Anti S. 

Ahem! Here sister Dote are three for thee, 

They'll make a charming fricassee. 
{She picks from basket and passes to Anti D., three microbes.) 



THE BACTERIOI.OGIST. 51 

Mr. V. 

I'll scream! I'll scream! I'll draw a crowd! 

Anti P. ( IVit/i deeper voice than usual.) 

Varlet! If thou dost dare to speak aloud, 
At once, we'll place thee in a shroud. 

Anti S. 

Ahem! Ahem! There are three for me, 
I'll have them deviled for my tea. 

Mr. V. (Greatly enraged.) 

Why ladies, this is highway-robbery! 
I'll not endure this thing-um-bobbery! 

Anti P. 

Villian! thy life we fain would save. 

But one more word and you're in your g-rave! 

Anti D. 

Hideous monster! dost thou presume 
To be ambitious for a tomb? 

Anti P. 

Reptile! dragon! vampire! snake! 
Your every bone we sure will break! 

Anti D. 

Come sisters seize him, tie him to a stake, 
Start a good hot fire, we'll have a bake. 
( They seize him.) 

Mr. V. (Screaming.) 

Help! fire! murder! rogues! 

These furies have stolen my microbes! 

(Enter Mr. Bacterium, L., hurriedly and in great alarm.) 

Mr. B. 

Come doctor quickly! 

Sisters, what means this loud disgraceful sound? 

Dr. S. (Outside.) 

Yes! yes! I bound! I bound!" 

{Enter Dr. Sapience, L., puffing and running forward with 
his usual step.) 



52 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Mr. B. (L., Enraged.) 

Sisters, explain your curious actions! 

Would you ruin the family by such attractions? 

Dr. S. (C, faking- out his incdicine rase.) 
Peace! peace! gentle g^races three, 
A sedative you need, I see. 

Anti S. {R. C, Holding up a juierobe.) 

Ahem! Dearest brother look at this. 
Isn't it a curious fish? 

(J/r. B.and Dr. S. put on their eye-glasses and examine it, C.) 

Anti P. {R., shelving another microbe.) 

Brother dear, this which I have here, 
Is a bacillus drum-major from the ear. 

(Mr. B. and Dr. S. readjust their glasses and examine it 
zvith much interest.) 

Anti D. (R., Producing another microbe.) 
And this one, I suppose. 
Is a microbe-polypus from the nose. 

Dr. S. [Greatly amused.) 

Why ladies, this is most prepos', 

It would require such a large probos'. 

Mr. V. (L. C, zaith professional pride.) 
These gems are magnified. 

There's where the mystery lies. 

About forty million times their natural size, 

Ha! ha! ha! how wonderful the human brain. 
Such rare invention, and all for gain. 

Mr. B. [To Mr. J'.) 

I'm very, very sorry, sir, at your distress. 
But your invention shows my folly in another dress. 
We all to magnify our pains and sorrows try, 
Just as you have magnified the bacilli. 



THE BACTERIOI,OGTST. 53 

But in these made lip reptiles the humbug' we per- 
ceive, 

While in the other cases we ourselves deceive. 

Make out your bill for injuries to your wares and 
feeling's, 

I believe in honesty and justice, and fair dealings. 

{The three sisters again show exciting syniptonis.) 

Dr. S. 

Pardon one moment, the deterrents I'll apply, 
They are simply powders taken dry. 

{He empties from papers a poivder on the tongue of each 
sister. Mr. Vermes, zvith curiosity, approaches the doctor, 
who thrusts a poivder into his mouth.) 

Mr. V. [Spluttering, and ejecting poivder from his mouth.) 
I'll leave for New York on the very next train. 
For everybody on the beach is becoming' insane. 
I myself am beg'inning to feel quite hazy. 
And soon like the rest, I too, will be crazy. 

Mr. B. 

Before you leave, if you can manag-e. 

Call at my cottage, and I'll pay all damag'e. 

Mr. K (Aside.) 

If I don't strike now a middling' fair averag^e, 
Call me a fool, a g'ump, or a savag'e. {Exit L.) 

{Enter MiJie Crobe, R., in great haste and greatty excited.) 

Mike C. 

Your daug'hter, sor, can not be found! 
We fales quite sure she has been drowned! 
We've looked hig'h and low all over the town, 
Naug-ht can we find but this piece of her gown. 
{Shows piece of cloth, and rushes off, L.) 

{Enter Cerebro, R., in great alarm.) 

Cerebro. 

Tell me gentlemen, I beseech! 

Have you seen Miss Bacterium on the beach? 

{He writhes.) 



54 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

She left the cottage an hour ag-o. 

She must have been drawn under by the tow I 

{He writhes again.) 

Dr. S. 

Impossible! — Oh, I see! — Perhaps you mean the 

under-tow? 
To the water was she seen to gfo? 

Cerebro. 

Nobody seems to know, but when she left the house> 

They say she had a vacant stare. 

And raved, and stormed, and tore her hair. 

[He writhes.) 

(Bella Donna enters, R., hastily and in great grief.) 

Belle D. {Shivering — her teeth chattering.) 
Oh, uncle! uncle! my cousin dear. 
An hour ag-o, did disappear! 

She had rallied considerably from her recent illness. 
And as I sat watching in the stillness. 
She jumped from the bed and ran toward the shore. 
Had I not then had a chill. I might tell you more. 

{She has another bad spell, and falls into the anns of Cerebro, 
who sustains her the best he can, in spite of another 
paroxysm by which he is seized. — Mr. B. swoons and falls 
into the doctor's artns.) 

Angina Pectoris, {Enter R., greatly excited.) 
Your daughter's found! 

She's lying yonder on the ground, {pointing) 
She needs the doctor, she is not drowned! 

Dr. S. {Passing Mr. B. into Angina's arms.) 
I bound! I bound! 
Swift as a hound! 

{Exit Dr. Sapience, R., with usual trot.) 

ACT DROP. 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 55 



ACT IV. 

Scene /. Female zvard in Sapience Sanatorium, {boxed 
in J. G.) Door iti flat, C. Window each side of this door. 
Couch down R. j panel screen {^\'%.ft"et high) back of couch. 
Easy chair down L. . Large chest up C. Table down C, on 
ivhich are bottles of medicine, pitcher of ice-water and three 
glasses. {See Scene Plot.) 

ARRANGEMENT OF BEDS AND OCCUPANTS. 
Anti Dote Bella Donna 



R. L. 

Angina Pectoris. Bacterianna 

Anti Septic. Anti Pyrine 

L>r. Sapience [P.) 

You are quite worn out Miss, I'll take your place, 

I desire personally to note each case. 

One can stand about so much, but more can not 

endure, 
Ivet me see your last notations of pulse and tempera- 
ture. (He goes L.) 

A^urse (/,.) 

The patients all are improving', as you will read, 
Their conditions are not far from normal, as you'll 

perceive. 
The three sisters have been a very great trial, 
All quite difficult to manage, there's no denial. 

[Hands him tablet. \ 

Dr. S. {Taking tablet.) 

Don't be discouraged, three more nurses will come 

tomorrow. 
And more, if necessary, will surely follow. 
Fifteen nurses already have given out. 
But we are approaching the climax, without doubts 

{Exit Nurse, L.) 



56 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

With all my experience in therapeutics, 
I was caug-ht at last in an entirely new fix. 
I much reg'ret to say, but certainly the fact is, 
This combination beats all my practice. 

To cure one case of common dementia, 

I resorted to a not unusual venture 

Of enlisting laymen in my ranks. 

But now, instead of one, I have a dozen cranks. 

What will be the outcome of this terrible mess, 
I'm curious to know. I must confess. 
Never did microbes so test my knowledge, 
During the many years since I left college. 

More willing helpers. I could not secure. 
They were fully determined to effect a cure. 
But the business they took too much to heart, 
A.nd forg-ot themselves, while playing a part. 

The nervous strain was too intense, 
A thing- 1 warned them all against. 
I sincerely hope they will soon be right. 
Which would be to me a great delight. 

Mr. Bacterium is now nearly well. 

The lesson we taught him worked like a spell, 

I thought it best to bring the entire family up to 

New York, 
As their presence at Long Branch was creating 

much talk. 

There were altogether too many narrow escapes 

from drowning, 
A result not condusive to my successful crowning. 
As a medical man, I feared my fame to jeopardize. 
For I had gone into this scheme to draw a prize. 

So I brought them all here where I have absolute 

control. 
And if I've not drug-g^ed them too much, they will 

soon be made whole. 
But never again will I try this experiment on so 

large a scale. 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 57 

It's very much like trying^ to swallow a whale. 
{Apparently fatigued, throivs himself into easy chair, L.) 

Anti Septic. (Sitting tip in bed.) 

Ahem! Am I in a tomb? Oh, there's the doctor,, 
(Doctor jutnps up as if startled.) 

Sir, will you please g"ive me a glass of water? 
I never knew such a dreadful thirst; 
My tongue is dry, my throat will burst! 

Dr. S. (Pours water into glass and hands it to her.) 

Yes, yes, drink all you wish. 

You'll take kindly to it, like a fish. 
(She drinks and then lies down.) 
(The doctor throivs himself into chair again.) 

Anti Dote (Sitting up in bed.) 

Give me too, a glass of water, 

(Doctor jumps up again.) 
Ivemonade, beer, ale or porter! 
Quick! quick! or I'll get out of bed, • 

I must have it at once, or I am dead. 

(Dr. S. trotting to table, pours more water and hastens to 
Anti D.) 

Dr. S. 

I bound! I bound! I will! I will! 

If you step out of bed, you'll have a chill! 

There, there, keep still! keep still! 
(She drinks and then lies dozvn. The doctor throws him- 
self into chair again.) 

Bella Donna (Sitting up in bed, her teeth chattering.) 
A pill! A pill! 

( The doctor alarmed, jumps up again.) 
I'm the one who has a chill! 

Dr. S. (Hurrying to her, gives her a pill.) 

Yes Miss Bella, here's your pill. 

It's just the kind to keep you still. 

It is rather a distasteful diet, 

But sure to keep you verj^ quiet. 
(Bella D. takes pill and lies down. The doctor throws 
himself into chair.) 



58 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Anfi Pyrinc. [Sitting up in bed.) 

Such dreams! such dreams! I've had all night, 

[Doctor jumps from chair.) 
Give me something- to eat, I'd have a bite! 

Dr. S. (Hurryifig to table.) 

Yes, Miss Pyrine, in a minute, 
[Aside, ivi ping perspiration from face. ) 
I'm beginning- to feel that I am in it. 

( To Anti Pyrine.^ 

Food to night, I must prohibit, 

For your own good, I do forbid it. 
[He pours from bottle taken from table, a spoonful of 
medicine, and hastens zuith it to Anti P.) 

Now my dear friend, its the medicine hour. 

It will give you strength, it will give you power. 

Anti P. [Pushing medicine away.) 

J want a mutton-chop and a Welsh rarebit. 
To eat when I like to is my habit. 
Sir! No one dares my food to prohibit, 
Do not tell me that you forbid it! 

Dr. S. 

I know! I know! but my dear Miss 

Anfi P. [Interrupting.) 

I'll not listen to a word of this! 

/;/-. S. [Aside.) 
I have it! 
( To Anfi P.) 

Well, well, if in five minutes you absolutely feel 
You must partake of such a meal, 
rVie steward out shall go 

id order it from Delmonico, 
■ it first this medicine, permit me to apprize yer, 
Ycu had better take as an appetizer. 

Anti P. 

Never! for five minutes I'll lie down, but the drug I 

will not take, 
I know your schemes, and I would keep awake; 
I know your medicine would put me to sleep, 



THE BACTEKIOI^OGIST. 59 

Then, of course, you would g'ive me nothing to eat. 
{S/ie lies down. Dr. S., sleepy and tired, falls into chair.) 

Bacterianna {Sitting up in bed. ) 

Bound Dr. Sapience! Bound this way! 

{The doctor jumps up.) 
Is it nig"ht, or is it day? 
Am I better, or am I worse? 
Why are you here, and where's the nurse? 

Dr. S. {Has now become very nervous. He takes medicine to 
Bacterianna.) 
Yes! yes! I come! I come! 
The nurse is resting-, Miss Bacterium, 
Take this medicine for delerium. 
You are getting better very fast, 
And your father's nearly well, at last. 
{She takes medicine from the doctor and then lies down. 
The doctor drags hi)nselfto chair and sits doivn.) 

{Anti Septic, Anti Pyrine and Anti Dote, all sit up in 
bed at once. Dr. Sapience holds up his hands in horror.) 

Anti P. 

Five minutes have passed at last, 
Send at once for my repast! 

Anti S. 

Ahem! Give the poor girl something to eat. 
When shall we be removed from this retreat? 

Anti D. 

Do you take us all for simpletons? 
Are you starving us for our skeletons? 

Dr. S. {About used zip.) 

Please good ladies do 
A different course pursue! 
If you're so antic. 
You'll drive me frantic! 

{All three pounce down into bed but immediately sit up 
again and ivith extended arms pointing to Dr. S. say in con- 
cert: 



60 THE BACTERIOI<OGIST. 

Unfeeling, cruel, scientific wretch, 
Unless a luncheon you do fetch, 
We'll jump from bed, we'll run to the street, 
We'll ruin your hospital and you complete. 

Dr. S. {Exasperated.) 

Insatiate femalesi for your sakes, 
Banish the thought of chops and steaks, 
You are in a raging fever, and I tell you again. 
From meat of all kinds, you must abstain. 

The sisters, niakiyig a movement as if to get out of bed, 
say: 

Now listen, sir, to what we will do, 

We'll compromise on a menu; 

Within an half hour bring us these: 

Escaloped oysters, chicken-salad, olives, pickles and 

green peas, 
Charlotte Russe, Meringue, pound-cake, mince-pie. 
Nuts, raisins, all of theni, or you shall diel 

I?/: S. (Disgusted, but endeavoring to expostulate.) 
Is that all that you require? 
Would you jump from the frying-pan into the fire? 

The three sisters [Again making a movement as if to get out 
of bed.) 

We have given you our ultimatum, 
Order the victuals, and proceed to cart them. 
And while we wait, give us water cooled with ice, 
If you valine your life, take our advice. 

Dr.S. [Aside.) 

Good! Now I have them! 

Well ladies, I'll yield one point; we want no fuss, 

You shall have the ice water; then we'll discuss 

The advisability of the menu. 

And decide at once what we will do. 

The three sisters. 

Then your life we'll spare. 
But mind you have a care I 
We'll have no less on the bill of farel 
( T/iev lie doivn.) 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 61 

{Dr. S. turns his back to Ids patients and fills tlircc glasses 
with ice-water, he then pours liquid from a bottle, ivhich he 
takes from the table, into each glass. The sisters sit up in 
bed and ivatch him, and then smiling knowingly, and pointing 
to him, pounce down again.) 

Dr. S. {Aside.) 

I think that before they partake of their diet, 
They'll have an interval of sleep and quiet. 
Now ladies, if you think you oug"ht-er, 
You can each drink lightly of this water. 

{He passes a glass to each sister.) 

Anti. S. 

Ahem! Doctor g'ive the order for the lunch at once, 
And add to mine a Roman punch. 

{She drinks.) 

Anti P. 

Yes, you can not order it any too soon, 

Add to mine, if you please, a pickled mushroom. 

{She drinks.) 

Anti D. 

Doctor, the luncheon question we will not discuss, 
Simply add to the menu some asparagus. 

{She drinks.) 

Dr. S. 

Anything else you'd like, either green or ripe? 
Ham and eggs? pig's feet? sauer-kraut? fried tripe? 

Anti S. {Aside.) 

AhemI He thinks he's given us an opiate, 

But that is where he makes his mistake. 

{Aloud.) 

Oh, I'm so sleepy getting. 

Come sisters, let's stop our fretting. 

Wake me up doctor when they bring the lunch, 

Remember don't forget the Roman punch. 

{She falls back apparently asleep.) 
Anti P. {Sleepily.) 

You're a pretty good old doctor, after all, 

I hope I shall hear you when you call. 

How quiet everything is getting in the house. 

Excuse me please if I take a drowse. 

{She falls back apparently asleep.) 



62 THE BACTERIOI.OGIST. 

Anti D. {In a subdued voice.) 

Doctor I believe you are an old sinner, 
And have cheated us all out of our dinner, 
But if you are honest, wake me with a rap, 
Good night Dr. Sapience, I'll take a nap. 

{She falls back apparently asleep.) 

Dr. S. 

Many thanks to the potency of morphine. 
They'll have no luncheon, not even a bean. 

{Stretching himself out on the couch, R.) 
That I am tired must be confessed. 
But now is my chance, and I'll take a rest. 

Angina Pectoris. ( U^ith a scream, sitting up in bed.) 
Am I alive, or am I dead ? 
Am I on me fate, or on my head? 

Dr. S. {Jumping from couch in alarm.) 
Angina Pectoris, as I live! 
What a terrible scream she did give! 

Angina P. {Screaming again.) 

"Where is me Mike, and where am Oi? 

Take me back to old Ireland, and let me die. 

{Scj-eams.) 

Dr. S. {Excited.) 

Silence! silence! incorrig-ible maid! 
Why in the world are you afraid? 

{Angina screams two or three times.) 

{Enter, L. in night shirts, and greatly excited, Mr, 
Bacterium, Cerebro, Parotitis and Mike Crobe.) 

Mr. Bacterium. 

Why this scream in the dead of night? 
We all have suffered a terrible fright! 

Cerebro. 

Is the house on fire? What means this noise? 
One thing after another our peace destroys! 

{He ivrithes.) 



THK BACTERIOLOGIST. 63 

Parotitis. (Angrily.) 

Why this un-un-unseemly har-har-harang-ue? 

All night long it's been nothing- but ba-ba-bang and 

and cler-cler-clang I 
And jer-jer-just as we were nicely dre-dre-dreaming. 
We're ar-ar-aroused from our sleep by such un-un- 

unearthly screaming! 

Mike C. 

The woice as it came on the midnight air, 
Aroused on me head ach separate hair! 
It sounded so much like the scream of me Ann, 
That Oi jumped rig-ht from me bed and came as Oi 
am. 

Dr. S. [Much concerned.) 

Back gentlemen! You'll ruin my fair reputation! 
Things are getting far beyond my expectation. 
This is the Ladies'' Ward! don't jeopardize iny name! 
{Covering face.) I'm mortified! Abashed! I'm 
seized with shame! 
(He carries screen, L., and places it in front of them.) 

Angina P. 

Is that you Mike, I sees among the rest? 
You'd look more dacent were you dressed. 
I'm sorry doctor I've caused this great alarum. 
But I dreamed a microbe had me by the arumi. 

Mr. B. 

None but a fool scares at a microbe, as a rule. 
I'd as soon be scared by a tadpole in a pool. 
Once it was not thus, I will admit, 
But such foolish nonsense, I now have quit. 

Do. S. {Nervously.) 

Quite right! quite right ! now back to the gentle- 

mens ward, 
Such actions, really, I can not afford. 

Cerebro ( Twitching convulsively.) 

Come let's go back and have our sleep, 
I^et those who wish to, their vigils keep. 



6\ THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Parotitis {Looking at his /iabilii)ienis.) 

I fer-fer-fer-feel much like a sheep, 

I would per-per-per-plunge in slumber, very deep. 

Mike C. 

Good nig-ht, dear Ann I 
Kape from scraming-, if you can. 
If, in the nig-ht, you're very ill. 
Turn up and wake over, but kape still. 
(Exeunt Cerebro, Parotitis and 3Iike Crobe, L.) 

Mr. B. [Pleasantly.) 

Good nig-ht doctor, it might be worse, 
(Gaping.) I'm too sleepy to make a verse. 

(Exit, L.) 

Angina P. 

Doctor Sapience, if you plase, I much would like, 
To know the real condition of me dear Mike. 

Dr. S. 

Now Ann, if you can, 
Stop worrying about that foolish man. 
He's doing finely, and in a day or two. 
Will be able to eat an Irish-stew. 

Angina P. 

And its thin mesel, I'll ask about, 

When shall I be up, and dressed, and out? 

Dr. S. 

Both you and Mike will soon be over j'our sorrow, 
I'll have you both well by day after tomorrow. 

Angina P. 

And the mistress and master are they improving? 
And whin shall we all be homeward moving? 

Dr. S. 

Your master, though weak, is thoroughly cured, 
Your mistress's recovery is quite assured. 

Angina P. 

And Mr. Cerebro and Mr. Parotitus, 

Can YOU cure their stammmering and St. Vitus? 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 65 

Dr. S. 

I believe, from a most careful and thoroug-h analysis, 
They are now slight cases of simple paralysis. 

Angina F. 

And Miss Bella Donna, and the Aunties dear? 

Dr. S. 

All doing well, don't have a fear. 

Angina P. 

Thin let me confiss and git up and driss; 
I've been well and hearty from the start. 
And all the time have been playing me part. 
Sure yez can blame none but yourself, 
I have'nt, for a moment, been out of health. 

Bacterianna [Sifting up in bed.) 
And I too, how did I do? 
You thought me a beginner, 
But I'm an old experienced swimmer. 

Bella D. (Sitting up.) 

Also myself, not a particle ill, 

Was from the beginning, and am so still. 

The three sisters [Sitting up.) 

And we too of acting have had enough, 
Also of opiates and other stuff, 
But look at your bottle, and you will see, 
We had filled it up with eau-de-vie. 

Dr. S. [Amazed, going R.) 

I'm dazedl I'm flabbergasted! Zounds! zounds! 

But really my joy knows no bounds! 
(They all get out of their beds, put on their shoes which 
are lying on the floor, and come forward.) 

Bacterianna [R. C.) 

If you really consider my father quite cured. 

Then why should we longer in this place be immured? 

Dr. S. 

Yes, only a little weak, but otherwise well, 
But the other gentlemen are still under the spell. 
Now ladies, another favor of you I'll ask. 
Please help me to lighten my burdensome task. 



66 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

All at once. 

We'll do it! What do you require? 

Dr. S. 

First, simply array yourselves in my nurses' attire. 

All reply. 

Agreed, where are the roJbes? 

This must be the last attack on the microbes! 

Dr. S. 

In yonder chest, you'll find the dresses, 
Put them on, then arrange your tresses. 
( They all proceed to the chest and array themselves in the 

garb of nurses, then, hastily arrange their hair.) 

[Dr. S. reclines on couch until they come forward.) 
Angels! worthy to be adored! 
Now hasten to the gentlemens ward! 
{All exeunt, R.) 



SCENE II. 



A lobby in the Sapience Sanatorium. Lights lozv. Enter 
L. Dr. Sapience, Bacterianna, Bella Donna, Anti Septic, 
Anti Pyrine, Anti Dote and Angina Pectoris. 

Dr. S. {P., carrying lighted candle.) 

lyadies, since your family to this hospital came, 
Fifteen nurses have left the same; 
They were all exhausted, worn and broken down, 
And have been sent to recupt^rate, out of town. 

(They all raise their hands in astonishment.) 
Now are you, for one day, viliing to assist me all 

you can 
In carrying out my present plan? 

All at once: 

Yes, one day only, we think we can afi^ord, 
Now lead us to the gentlemens ward. 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 67 

Dr. S. 

Then follow me, and at your election. 
Each take a patient of her own selection. 
{All exeunt, R.) 



SCENE III. 



Gcutlcmens ward in Sapience Sanatorium. Box-scene 
in 2 G. Lights low. Large ivindow in centre of flat, moon 
shining into same. Door eacli side of this window. A 
single gas jet between windoiv and each door. 

ARRANGEMENT OF BEDS AND OCCUPANTS. 

R. I I I I I I ^" 

Mr. B. Cerebro. Parotitis. Unknown. Mr. Vermes. Mike C. 

Enter, L., Dr. Sapience, Bactei^ianna, Bella Donna, 
Anti Septic, Anti Pyrine, Anti Dote and Angina Pectoris. 
The ladies pass to C. and gaze about the rooin. 

Dr. S. (L.) 

Miss Bacterium, your father occupies the further cot, 
Mr. Meningitis the second, if I've not forg-ot. 

Angina P. (Going to first cot and looking at its occupant.) 
Heaven be praised. Here will I sthop. 
For surely Michael's in this cot. 
(She stands at the left of first cot and fans its occupant.) 

Bacterianna. 

Bella, will you please take charge of the further 

patient? 
I'll chaperone the next adjacent. 
(Bella Donna goes to the left of first bed, R., and Bacteri- 
anna to the left of the next.) 

The three sisters, C., together: 

Of men we never yet have made a choice, 
We regard with affection only little boys. 



68 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

{Anti S. goes to the left of third bed from R., Anti P. to 
the left of the fourth from R. and Anti D. to the left of the 
fifth from R.) 

Dr. S. 

Now ladies, for humanity's sake, let me have a little 

sleep, 
I have only had cat-naps for nearly a week. 

Bacterianua. 

Go at once doctor, you need some rest. 
We will take full charge, and do our best 

Bella D. 

All the gentlemen are in sweet repose, 
As still and as quiet as if they were froze. 

[Shivers and sjiiiles tneaningly at the doctor.) 

Anti S. (Nervously.) 

Ahem! If they should wake up, — of course, — I 
suppose, 

They'd show us proper respect on account of our 
clothes. 
Dr. S. 

Oh 3'es, ladies, have no alarm, 

I assure you, you are entirely out of harm. 
Anti P. 

But how shall we procure protection, 

If they display too much affection? 

Anti D. 

Yes, doctor dear, e'er you depart. 
Tell us where to find you in the dark. 

Bacterianna. 

We have no fears, go seek your rest. 
We're well protected, as nurses dressed. 

Angina P. 

Yes. begorrah! We have no horror. 

For it's getting light, it's must be tomorrow. 

Dr. S. 

Thanks for your kindness, for an hour or two. 
I'll bid you all a fond adieu. 

{Exit L.) 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 69 

Angina P. 

Please would you allow me to sug-gest, to avoid 

mistake, 
That we find who these men are, before they awake? 

Anfi S. 

Ahem! A wise suggestion, let's examine each face, 
And see if it belongs to the human race. 
{Each one examines her charge.) 

Bacterianna. 

This is Cerebro, without doubt. 
Although his face is not jerking about. 

Bella D. 

And this is your father, how well he looks, 
His was the queerest case read of in the books. 
He is sleeping as sweetly as an innocent child, 
Features so calm that once looked so wild. 

Anti S. 

Ahem! This is my nephew, Parotitis, sure, 

{With a sigh of relief.) 
I feel that now I am secure. 

Angina P. 

Now phat does this crathur most look like? 

{Examines face. ) 
Sure it's none other than me boy Mike. 

{Anti P. and Anti D. each looking intently at her ozvn 
patient, and then with much concern, looking at the patient of 
the other.) 

Anti D. {Alarmed.) 
Pyrinel 

Anti P. (Also alarmed.) 
Dote! 

Anti D. {Tronbling.) 

Who is your man? 

Anti P. 

He is a stranger! 
We are all in danger! 



70 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Anti D. 

And mine is too! 

What in the world shall we females do? 

{All the ladies now alarmed.) 

Anti P. 

They may be highwaymen, pirates or lawyers! 
Haters of women! or women destroyers! 

Atiti D. 

I 'bout know mine's an attorney! 

I wish I was away on a long- journey. 

Mr. Vermes (Sitting up in bed, and witli great dignity.) 
I am Mr. Vermes! 
And the other 

Unfcnown (Sitting up.) 

Is his long lost brother! (Drops bac/c immediately.) 
(All t tie ivo)nen scream.) 

Mr. V. 

Have no alarm my gentle sisters, 
Kind dispensers of pills and blisters, 
We are here to be cured of bacilli, 
Calm your feelings, do not cry. 

On a foreign shore, I happened to be stranded. 
Where, before me, some lunatics had landed. 
I got away as quickly as I could. 

But not before thousands of microbes had lodged in 
my hood. 

But Dr. Sapience had pity on me, 

Which enabled me to practise a little economy. 

Fortunately for me, for I had not a red, 

He brou2;ht me here, and I've since been in bed. 

Yes, on a foreign shore, on the coast of Jersey, 
I found the people all topsy-tervjs 
But I hastened away to the city of York, 
Hoping the contagion I had not caught. 

I little mistrusted when I left Long Branch, 

These people and myself were enroute for this ranch. 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 71 

Would you believe it? In less than twenty-four 

hours, 
The bacteria controlled every one of my powers. 

Soon the doctor became very short of nurses, 

Who were seized with nervous prostration, from 

listening to verses. 
So my brother, in his kindness, came just to help 

out. 
But was at once caught by a bacillus, and now has 

the g"out. 

{ The Unknoivn bobs tip, and suddenly lies down. Mr. 
Vermes, also, lies down.) 

Anti D. ( To Anti Pyrine.) 

Why this is the vender of bacterial germs! 
Collector of centipedes, scorpions, tarantulas and 
worms! 

Anti P. {To Anti D.) 

The man we propose to burn at the stake! 
What can we expect, when he's wide awake? 

Bacte'rianna {Looking at Cerebro, and fanning hirn.) 
He wakes! He opens his eyes! 
He smiles! He would arise! 

Cerebro {Sitting up and rubbing his eyes.) 

Ah, a new nurse. Why this gentle fanner 
Resembles much, Bacterianna. 

Bacterianna. 

It is not a simple resemblance, it is really I, 

I am through with my acting, and no longer lie. 

Cerebro. 

And I have long since ceased to dissemble, 
I am entirely well, I no longer tremble. 
I think the microbe will never again bite us, 
I've had all I want of the dance of St. Vitus. 
{He converses with Bacterianna.) 



72 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Anti S. (Placing her hand on her nephew'' s forehead.) 
Ahem! What can the doctor mean? 
No symptoms of fever can be felt or seen. 
But I suppose if he should begin to mutter, 
The microbe in his tongue would make him stutter 

Parotitis {Sitting up.) 

No, kind nurse, the bacilli have left, 

Of their attentions, I am bereft. 

I have conquered them, whether real or ali^m, 

And again I believe,! am a man. 

Anti S. 

Ahem! Why it's delightful to watch his manner, 
I can not discover a particle of stammer. 

[She fans him.) 

Angina P. {Stroking Michaefs hair.) 

Michael! Michael! I wish you'd awake, 
And to your Angina try to spake. 
I wonder if yez still as deaf as a clam, 
Oh, Michael me bi, yez much of a sham. 

{.She fans /ii>n.) 

Michael C. {Sitting up in bed and smiling sweetly at the 
nurse, not recognizing that she is Angina.) 

Phata pink of a girl sure, is this little nurse. 

With sich fine attindince, one is sure to grow worse. 

Of course he'd grow worse, so to stay with her 

longer. 
With sich a swate crather, how could he grow 

stronger? 
But then I am well, and have all the time been so, 
I've been very decatef ul, oh, how could I sin so? 

{Again smiles at nurse.) 
Angina P. 

Mike, don't yer know me? Come out of your spell, 
I'm your own and only Ann, and entirely well. 
Now be after telling- me how j'ez was yezself , 
Is yez worse or better, and how is yez health? 

Mike C. 

Is it yezself Ann? Spake quick, I besache! 
Come nearer, don't kape so far from me rache. 



THE BACTRRIOUOGIST. 73 

Thinkinf,s of course, you's a»other woman, 

I was endeavoring to preserve a proper decorum. 

Angina P. 

But as I'm not another woman, 
Plase dispinse with the decorum. 
Kiss me Mike, with your Irish mug-. 
And give me one real Irish hug-. 
(He does so.) 

( T/ie women all hold up their hands in horror — The men 
all sit up in bed and look amazed, especially Mr. Vermes and 
the unknown)— ^Picture.] 

A.CT DROP. 



ACT V. 



Parlor in Baeterium Mansion — Scene the same as in Act 
f. Easy-chair moved to I^. U. Cor. Mike C. and Angina P. 
dusting the furniture. (See Scene Plot.) 

Mike C.(R.) 

Well Ann, me darlint, it's time for the train. 
And ^oon the whole family will be home again. 
Sure niver sich exparience came to a single house- 
hold, 
Bedad, I'd not see the likes agin for silver or gold. 

Angina P. (L.) 

Now Mike, does yez think the master is cured for all 

time? 
Does yer blave we'll all talk foriver in this sort of 

rhyme? 
Does yez think that the varmints are through with 

their sport. 
Or does yez blave they will follow us back from 

New York? 



74 THE BACTERIOI^OGIST. 

ISIike C. {Looking wisely.) 

Phat does Oi think? Well Miss, Oi opine 

That the microbes are through, at laste for a time, 

Oi blaves, if the trouble again does occur, 

So long as it lasts, it is sure to endure. 

Angina P. 

Indade you talks wiser than the doctor hisself. 
And no doubt know as much of sickness or health. 
Valuable exparience j^e've had, Michael mine. 
Which may make us quite rich, in process of time. 

Mike C. ( With dignity.) 

Miss Angina P. just listen to me, 

There's money in medicine, ef you charge a good fee. 
Perhaps, in the course of a few years or more, 
I'll open an ofifice and be a doc-tor. 

[He looks very important.) 

Angina P. 

But Mike, what will yez ido when they wants a leg 

taken off? 
You'll be foine enough curing a plain simple cough, 
But with broken bones and sarious disases. 
The thing is quite differentfrom stopping the snazes. 

Mike C. 

Quite right you are, but with a will goes always a 

way, 
['11 niver refuse a case in the night or the day. 
There are plenty of doctors high standing in the 

profission, 
Who'll take a good case, if paid a commission. 

Oi shall look very wise and say, ah I humph! yisi 

A consultation is nicessary, Oi verily giss; 

Thin I'll call in a surgeon, I'll always kape on hand 

a few, 
To the patient introduced him, and let him all the 

work do. 

Angina P. 

Thin the spoils you'll divide. 

And lave the patient just only his hide. 



THE BACTERIOIvOGIST. 75 

Sure as I am a woman, an Irish born Vanus, 
You're a natural born fool, or ilse you're a janius. 

Mike C. 

Why it's the asiest thing to be a physician, 
First ask the patient to state his condition; 
Thin fale of his pulse, into his mouth run a ther- 
mometer, 
Thin schwell yourself up like the city g-asometer. 

Appear quite profound, and to the sick man repate, 
The very conditions which hisself did relate. 
He, immediately forgetting- what he did disclose. 
Will think it remarkable the way you diagnose. 

Nine times out of tin, nothing the matter will be, 

So have with you always a long recipe, 

Copy it from some doctor's book, be sure it's in 

Latin, 
A dose to cause symptoms hardly worth the com- 

battin'. 

Thin call twice a day for a wake, do you see? 
Thin begin with the antidote for the first remedy, 
Nature, in about a wake more, will effect a cure, free, 
Thin all remaining for you to do is to charge a good 
fee. 

Angina P. 

Now I thinks of it Mike, I belaves that the fact is 
You must have a diploma before you can practise. 
I guess you'd forgotten all about that. 
Or ilse you were talking right straight through you 
hat. 

{Door-bell rings.) 

Ah, the folks have come. 

Run Michael, run, 

Welcome thim home once more. 

Don't kape thim waiting at the door. 

Mike C. {Looking lovingly at Angina P.) 

Oi'd much pref are to stay and dust. 
But if Oi has to, then Oi must. 
{Exit C. D.) 



76 THE BACTERIOlvOGIST, 

Angina P. 

Now that all are well, phat difference will it make, 
Ef our real names we are permitted to take? 
What swate names are Pat O'Rourke, 
And Kitty Shane, me own, which I forsook. 

I very much do want to know 

By phat name the master used to go. 

But more particularly phat I want is, 

To know the real names of the dear, old aunties. 

And Parotitis, how queer it sounds, 
A name for mumps, so says old Bounds. 
[Slightly raising dress, imitates the step of Dr. Sapience.) 
{Enter Cerebro and Bacterianna, C. D.) 

Bacterianna. (C) 

Ah, here's the faithful Ann, and I do believe 
Prettier than ever, don't you, Cerebe? 

Angina P. (P. C. Courtesies.) 

Oh. thank you Miss, a kindly welcome home to 'ach, 
And may I niver mate you ag-in at Long^ Branch bache 

Cerebro. (L. C.) 

Ha! ha! ha! lovely maid with Celtic features. 
Still true to your Irish nature, quite facetious, 
(Enter Mike Crobe, C D. — He goes down L.) 

Mike C. {Beaming with smiles.) 

It sanies so delightful, sor, to say you and the mis- 
tress back agin, 
Begorrah! Yez two togither had a foine swim. 
Kxcuse me, if it sames like liberty taking 
To say that it's pleasant to see you not shaking. 
{Door-bell rings.) 
Bacterianna. 

That must be Cousin Bella and Parotitis. Oh, I'm 

so delighted. 
To have the family once more united. 

Mike C. {Exuberantly.) 

Now isn't it lovely? Hum, swate hum. 
All well and united, {Bell rings again.) I come! I 
come! {Exit C, D.) 



THE BACTERIOI.OGIST. // 

{Angina P. gOi's to R. D. and dusts the portieres.) 

Cerebro. 

As fine a servant as ever did live, 
Kind hearted, and Irish as Pat Murphy's pig. 
{Enter Bella Donna and Parotitis, C. D.) 

Bella D.{L.) 

Dear cousin, here we are at last, 
Safely home and our trials passed. 
A.h, Cerebro, no more microbes lurking? 
No more shivering-, no more jerking? 

Bacterianna. 

Yes, Bella, but what is best to tell, 

Thanks to the doctor. Papa's well. 
Cerebro. 

Let us not from the doctor the least credit rob, 

For the bacilli now are out of a job. 
Bella D. 

True, in this family at least, 

We've vanquished entirely the little beast. 
{Enter Mike Crobe, L.) 

Mitie C. {Grinning all over ivith delight.) 

Mav it plase yer Miss Bella, may Oi be so bold, 
Oi'm joyful to say yer without a shivering cold, 
And no one can till what the extint of my delight is. 
To hear the swate tongue of Mister Parotitis. 
Bedad, your foine mouth you used so to pucker. 
But all you could do was to stammer and stutter. 

J^arotitis {Sm iling. ) 

There Michael, good fellow, that will do, 
The scenes which we've lately been through. 
Are demoralizing to a servant, most truly. 
So try hard my boy, or you'll be very unruly. 
{Prolonged ringing at the front door.) 

Mike C. {Placing his hands to his ears.) 

Heavings! {Aside.) Its 'asy to till who's ringing 

jist now. 
It's the dear aunties, one would think, jist spiling 

for a terrible row. 



78 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

{Bell rings again.) 
But they are very fine winiuiing, though somewhat 

peculiar; 
Not half so bad as they appear, so don't let them 
fool yer. 

{Bell rings again.) 

Wist! wist! have the bacilli caught you agin? 
If so, wherefore? — where? — why and whin? 
{Exit CD.) 
Cerebro. 

I think by the nervous tintinnabulation, 
That it's your aunties, who have walked all the way 
from the station. 

Bacterianna. 

Yes, poor things, they must be quite tired! 
But ride they would not, as I much desired. 

Parotitis. 

I am sure it is they, three little maidens from Long 

Branch Beach, 
Manners, somewhat pronounced, dispositicn, sweet 
as a peach. 

Bella D. 

Kinder souls never lived on earth. 

One has to know them to see their great worth. 

Angina P. {Aside.) 

To be sariotis, they much resembles jelly tarts, 
Crusty on the outside, but swate in their hearts. 

{Exit Angina Pectoris, R. D, — Parotitis and Bella D. 
tatze seats on so/a, L. — Enter Milne Crobe, C. D.) 

Mike C. 

The Misses Bacterium jist from Sapience Institute, 
{Aside.) It is said they are harmless, and never do 
shoot. {Exit, C. D.) 

{Enter, C. D., Anti Septic, Anti Pyrine and Anti Dote.) 

Bacterianna. 

Welcome home my Aunties, dear, 
Since we left home seems 'most a year. 



THE BACTERIOI.OGIST. 79 

Cerebro. 

But how fine and rosy you all are looking-, 
Pictures of health, the result of plain cooking-. 

( The sisters, much pleased, go forward smiling at each 
other. Cerebro and Bacterianna take seats on divan, R.) 

Anti S. {R.) 

Ahenil Such a darling", did you ever see? 
A model husband, he's sure to be. 

Anti P. (C) 

Yes, since he threw off his St. Vitus, 
He makes every effort to delight us. 

Anti D. (L.) 

But sister, he was much more alive, 
When he used to twist, and turn, and writhe, 
But like all men, he's much improved, 
Now he is quiet and subdued. 

Anti S. 

Aheiu! These horrid men are so important, 

With voices rasping- and discordant. 

Their manners coarse and like a bear. 

Many, on their heads have bristles, instead of hair. 

Anti P. 

But when they become a little bacterian. 
Nothing- will subdue them, not even valerian. 

Then, they are even worse than nature designed. 
In actions both of body and mind. 
Anti D. 

A man like Cerebro one can seldom meet. 
He's just what he should be from head to feet. 
(Sighing) If one like him should to me propose, 
I should accept him, I really suppose. 

Anti S. 

Ahem! But sister Dote, you'll never be old enough 

to vote. 
You're young- and frisky, just like a goat. 
And we three girls, I fear will never find 
Men adapted exactlj' to our mind. 



80 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

{Enter, C. D.. Mike Crobe, radiant with delight.) 

Mitie C. {Aside.) 

Oi fales that it rists with me 

To welcome home the maidens three. 

{He goes forward to li. C. and addresses Anti S. 

Miss Bacterium, permit me, and not consider it pre- 
sumption, 

As one of the family onct doomed to something ilse^ 
or perhaps to consumption. 

To expriss me great joy that you've arrived home 
safe and sound, 

L(ike a young- Jersey heifer escaped from the pound. 

Anti S. 

Ahem! Michael, such compliments, I'm obliged to 

forbid, 
A comparison like that is somewhat invid' 
Still you mean it well, if I've not mistook, 
So the cattle expression, I would fain overlook. 

Mike C. {Exuberant.) 

And you too Miss P3'rine, me heart felt like breakin'. 
When Oi saw you and your sisters so much medicine 

takin', 
Oi fales very thankful, take me wourd for the truth, 
That you've lost none of the vigor and bloom of your 

youth. 

Anti P. {Smiling.) 

L^isten to the compliments of this new Chesterfield, 

Yes, Michael, thanks, my ills are all healed. 

No micro-organisms, bacilli or bacteria, not a single 

germ. 
We've dissolved our co-partnership, they're not in 

the firm. 

Mike C. (Gushing.) 

And you Miss Dote, whom the microbes so severely 

smote. 
Your burdens were really too heavy to tote, 
But permit your servant, a poor Irish boy, 
To welcome you home, for I'm brim full of joy. 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 81 

Anfi D. 

You poor, dear, kind-hearted soul, 

Your joy is entirely beyond your control; 

You have always at heart the family good. 

You are one man, at least, who behaves as he should. 

Bacterianna {Rising from divan.) 

Aunties and Bella, we have about time 

To arrange our toilets before the hour to dine. 

Papa stopped in the village to shake hands with his 

friends. 
But is sure to arrive before the hour ends. 

(Exeunt, R. D., Bacterianna, Bella D., Anti S., Anti P. 
and Anti D., after courtesying to the gentlemen. — Exit Mike 
Crobe, L. — Cerebro and Parotitis bow to ladies and then go 
forward.) 

Parotitis (L. C.) 

Egad, the old ladies are more sprightly than ever. 
May success early crown each matrimonial endeavor. 
See how much they owe to the frolicsome bacilli. 
And prepare to celebrate their nuptials by the 
Fourth of July. 

Cerebro (R.C.) 

If dear Aunty Septic could only discover. 
That old Doctor Sapience is her most ardent lover. 
The gay old widower some courage might take, 
And we boys, quite easy, a love-match might make. 

Parotitis. 

And if my gentle Aunt Pyrine 

Would only keep trying. 

And stop pretending that she is defying 

The entire male sex, which really is lying, 

She soon, by such worthy Christian endeavor, 

Might secure a good husband, forever and ever. 

Cerebro. 

Or if the other dear sister, fond Aunty Dote 
Who is sailing to-day in the self same boat, 
If she were a little more plastic, a trifle elastic, 
Might astonish the world by a sudden gymnastic. 



82 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Parotitis. 

If she would only assume a little timidity, 

And not meet all men with such chilling frigidity, 

She might take advantage of some masculine 

stupidity. 
Which Cupid would call justifyable cupidity. 

Cerebro. 

I imagine that the heart of Cupid when he contem- 
plates your aunts. 
Goes pit a pat, and flutters, and pants, 

Parotitis (Laughing.) 

He probably feels as if there were microbes in his 

liver, 
As he takes a fresh arrow out of his quiver. 
{Exeunt Cerebro and Parotitis, L.) 
(Door bell rings. — Enter Mike Crobe, R.) 

Mike C. (Imitating the step of Dr. Sapience.) 

Oi bound! Oi bound! Oi hears the sound, 
Quickly Oi'm gettin' over the ground. 
The ring of the master, faith surely it be, 
Oi hastens! Oi runs! Oi bounds! Oi flee! 
[He trots out, C. D.) 

Mr.B. (Without.) 

Come Michael, you were always a good boy. 

And I want you and everbody to share my great joy 

(Enter, C. D., Mr. Bacterium full of life, ivith strong 
and healthy step,follou'ed by Mike Crobe.) 

This is the happiest moment since the day of my 

birth, 
I am the luckiest mortal to be found on the earth. 
(Mr. Bacterium goes forivard to C, devoutly raising 
his hand.) 

Thanks to an ever kind and gracious Ruler, I am a 

man again! 
Freed am I from mental anguish and all bodily pain 
It's more than I deserve, I freely' own. 
Much of the past, I will now atone. 



THE BACTEKIOI.OGIST. 83 

Mike C. [L. C, zviping- /lis eyes). 

Oh, my dear, kind master, this is too much pleasure 

for me to be in it. 
Excuse these tears, sor, for me joy knows no liniit. 
The cause of me weepin' is because you're so well 

and so happy, sure, 
God be praised for this most remarkable cure. 

3Ir. B. [Looking kindly at Mike.) 

Well, well, good fellow, you have a heart both de- 
voted and true. 
Such servants are scarce, one sees but a few. 
Jitst think that we all are back in our home. 
All entirely well, not one broken bone. 
[Embraces Mike vigorously.) 

(Enter, R. D., Anti S., And P. and Anti D.— Enter, C. 
D., Bactcrianna and Bella D. — Enter, L. D., Angina P. with 
duster in hand. They are astonished at Mr. B''s. actions.) 
yPicture.^^ 

Mike C. [Soineivhat confused, smoothing out his clothes.) 
Well Oi declares, this is sort of sorter, 
It reminds me of that lobster in the water. 

[He spies Angina.) 
Now Ann, don't be jealous, or set up a waping-, 
For this love-embrace was not of my saking-. 
[Mr. B. Seizes and embraces Angina P., ivho screams 
and runs off' L. D.) 

3/r. B. ( Then seizing Anti Septic.) 

Oh, sister Septic, etnbrace your brother, 
Although you'd rather it were some other. 
Just think, the microbe now no power wields. 
But is Seeking- victims in other fields. 

Anti S. [Breaking away and arranging clothes. P.) 

AhemI ahemi Just see how my g-arments you've 

disheveled. 
And think how your dig-nity j'ou have levelled. 
I'd as soon be embraced by a grizzly bear; 
Horrid man, just lookl See the family starel . 



84 THE BACTERIOIvOGIST. 

(Anti P. and Anti D. cross to L. and take seats on sofa. 
— Anti S. and Bella D. take seats R. on divan.) 
{Door-bell rings.) 

Mike C. (Aside.) 

Sure yer moig"hty foine a ringin' all day, 

As for inesel, Oi'm thinkin' you're in a throublesome 

way. 
Bad cest to the man who invinted a bell, 
He should be thrown, without trial, to the bottom of 
— a well. 

{E.vit, CD.) 

{Baeterianna affectionately takes her father's hand, he 
kisses her and leads her to the piano. She plays one verse oj 
"■' Home, Sweet Home."") 

{Enter Mike Crobe, C. D.) 

Mike C. 

Doctor Sapience, the most wonderful of physicians, 
Agin visits this place, under different conditions. 

^[r. B. 

Show him in, we owe him our lives. 
For he scared off our shivers, our stammers, our 
writhes. 

{Exit Mike Crobe, CD.) 

{Enter Cei'ebro and Parotitis, L. They take chairs, L.) 

Baeterianna. 

Papa, you seem as you did when as a child you me 

petted. 
Oh, how much to this doctor we all are indebted. 
{She plays another verse of ''Home, Sweet Ho>nc'\) 

{Enter Mike Crobe, C D.) 

Mike C 

Dr. Sapience, so much renowned. 

Is coming this way, with a bound and a bound. 

{Enter Doctor Sapience, with his usual step, C. D. — Exit 
Mike Crobe, C D.) 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 85 

Mr. B. 

Welcome doctor to our family abode, 

We are all of us here, minus each and every 

microbe. 
There's not one of them left on mischief bent. 
In muscle, sinew, nerve, or lig'ament. 

Dr. Sapience. {In front of C. D., to Mr. Bacterium.) 
Many thanks for this very kind greeting-, 
You hardly expected me at this family meeting:; 
What you mean of the microbes to say 
Is that only the health giving bacteria are now 
having sway. 

( Turning to tlie others.) 

I^adies, good morning, and gentlemen too. 
It's needless to ask you, how do you do? 
For in each separate face is the color of health; 
Emblem of happiness, the only real wealth. 

[He goes R. to Anti S., and shakes her hand.) 

Miss Bacterium, to see you affords me much joy. 
Also, to hear that the bacilli do not annoy. 
Those valuable elements now in you are abiding. 
Those healthy parts of the blood. Albumin and 
Fibrin. 

Cerebro [To Parotitis.) 

There, what did I tell 3'ou? He certainly is smitten,. 
Will she be cold enough hearted to give him the 
mitten? 

Parotitis. 

Don't you believe it, she'll act the wiser part. 
She'll accept his proposal, at the very first start. 

Anti S. {Confused, hut gushing.) 

AhemI Why doctor — really — this is such a sur- 
prise, 
I'm delightedl I — I — I can hardly believe my eyes. 
How kind of you, — Isn't it Bella Donna? 
We all esteem it — a — a — very great honor. 



86 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Parotitis {To Cercbro, pretending to stammer.) 

A little more courag-e she must-must-muster, 
She is really in quite a flust-flust-fluster. 

Cerebro. 

Oh, my dear brother, she'll recover, some way or 

other, 
But her natural feelings, for once, she is unable to 
smother. 

Mr. B. {Going doivn C.) 

Doctor, your presence fills us all with joy. 

Our gratitude is genuine, without an alloy. 

You've reclaimed this family from suffering and 

death, 
In fact, when we called you, I was near my last 

breath. 

Dr.S. {R. C.) 

I rejoice to see my call is no intrusion, 
My desire is to prevent unnecessary confusion 
So, professionally, I have brought a prophylactic, 
{Taking a small bottle from his pocket.) 
An oil from a fish found in the Adriatic. 

Mr. B. 

A prophy-prophy-whatic? 

A fish? Then of course it is aquatic. 

Dr. S. 

Prophylactic, a preventive of disease. 
An antidote for doctors' fees. 

Fearing your several bacilli might again return, 
I have brought my Culture Number 43, an anti- 
germ. 

(Passing bottle to Mr. B.) 

Mr. B. {Examining bottle.) 

Is it as active as your forty one? 
Or as forty two, as full of fun? 

Dr. S. 

It's principally an unctuous matter, 

And will neither make you lean or fatter. 



THE BACTERIOIvOGlST. 8/ 

It's a Quaker microbe, inclined to peace, 

Like a sardine, always soaked in grease, 

It will mollify, soften and assuage 

All bacilli inclined to rage. 

This is its first appearance on any stage. 

{Enter Mike C, mysteriously. C. D. — Hegoesfortvardta 
J\lr. B. and whispers something to him. — Mr. B. goes to C. 
D. followed by Mike C.) 

Mr. B. [At C. D.) 

Pardon me for a very short time, 

An old friend of the family has arrived just in time- 
He is somewhat bashful, and always has been. 
So that Michael's powers of persuasion could not 
tempt him in, 

(Exeunt Mr. B. and Mike C, [C. D.) 

{Bella D. crosses to L. and takes a seat on the tabouret.. 
Dr. S. takes seat beside Anti S. on divan.) 

Anti S. {Exuberantly.) 

Ahem! Now doctor, you really discompose my 

f'.atures, 
By suggesting the return of those minute little 

creatures. 
That kind of companions would not now be my 

selection. 
Another kind altogether would be my predilection. 
( They converse together.) 
Anti P. (To Anti D.) 

Dote, what is more stubborn than actual facts? 

Do you observe how strangely our sister acts? 

Do you notice the sly glances she's been giving the 

doctor? 
She acts too familiar, much more than she ought to. 

Anti D. 

Pyrine, I think she is getting altogether to airy. 

You don't suppose he has asked her to marry? 

Did you see how he looked at her, in fact quite 

askance? 
Does he mean something or nothing, by that queer 

boyish glance? 



88 THE BACTERIOIvOGIST. 

Dr. S. (To Anii S., in an affectionate voice.) 

We must so arrang'e that I shall always be near, 
And then if the microbes should chance to appear, 
Quicker than scat, say in half a jiffy, 
I will scare them all off, but I must always be with 
thee. 

Anti S. (Coyly. ^ 

Ahem! Why doctor you really astonish! 
But I-I-I have not the heart to admonish. 
(Aside.) 

I hope my dear sisters would not think me sinning"^ 
If I confess to myself that his ways are quite win- 
ningf. (She sighs.) 

(Angina Pectoris enters, R., hurriedly.) 

Angina P. (P.) 

A very quaint man is at the back-door, 

Phat does yez think? He the house would explore. 

He's dressed too foine to be called a tramp, 

I thinks he is honest, but he may be a scamp. 

He is indade in g-reat grief at the loss of a brother. 
And declares he has met me somewhere or other, 
He thinks that his relative has entered this house, 
And promises to be orderly and quiet as a mouse. 

Parotitis. (Rising fro»i chair, L.) 

Poor fellow, why show him in, of course. 
We have much sympathy for his very g-reat loss; 
Ivct him look where he likes, either high or low. 
Perhaps he'll find his brother, but I doubt it though. 
(Exit Angina Pectoris, R.) 

Mr. B. (Without.) 

This way — this way. 

(Mr. B. appears in C. D.) 
Walk in g-ood man, we're all glad you've come, 
The greatest of happiness prevails through our home. 

(Mr. Vermes appears in C. D.) 
We want you to share our joy with us, too, 
For to you a large part is certainly due. 



THE BACTERIOI.OGIST. 89 

{Mr. B. and Mr. V. enter C. D., folloived by Mike C, 
grinning. IMike C. goes to R. U. Cor., and sits down in easy 
chair.) 

Ladies and g-entlemen this is our late fellow sufferer, 

Mr. Vermes, 
Whom we met at L/ong- Branch during- this summer's 

journeys, 
Sisters three, it is great pleasure to me, 
To have you meet once more your friend Mr. V. 

{Mr. v., back C, bows awkivardly. The ladies and 
gentlemen return the salutation.) 

31 r. V. 

Most happy! When last I met you, 

The frolicsome microbe did trouble and fret you; 

To you, I believe, I sold my exaggerated germs, 

A composite production of crabs, lobsters and worms. 

Mr. B. 

Yes, in those made up reptiles, we the humbug- per- 
ceived, 

While with our own made up fancies, we ourselves 
all deceived, 

We to magnify our pains and sufferings did try, 

Just exactly as you did your strange bacilli. 

Your lesson caused me to realize my position, 

Working- about as much good as did my physician; 

The greatest of benefit I derived from your inven- 
tion. 

But your honest intention, it will be well not to 
mention. 

{Enter A7igina Pectoris, R., folloived by the Unknown.} 

Angina P. 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Unknown, 
Saking for his own flesh and bone; 
He tells me that, some how or other, 
He has lost, and can't find, his very best brother. 
{She goes to Mike Crobe, R. U. Cor. Mike gives her easy- 
chair.) 

{ The brothers Vermes recognize each other.) 



90 THE BACTERIOI.OGIST. 

Mr. \\ [Up L., much overcome.) 

Have you a large water-melon eng-raved on your left 

ear? 
For if you have, you are my brother dear! 

The Unknown. {Down R.) 

I have I and various scars up and down my back, 
Our dear father's trade-mark, made by many a 
whack. 

Mr. I'. 

Then you are he, my long- lost twin, 

Hug- me my brother and don't wander again. 

{They pass rapidly to C, where they embrace three times. 
Mr. ]\ then takes his brother'' s hand and leads him up the 
stage to L. U. Cor. behind piano.) 

Mr. B. {Going Jorward.) 

Dr. Sapience my happiness is too full for expression, 
When I think that we've conquered the microbe, 

without a concession. 
Now as it is more than a month since you saw our 

faces. 
Kindly give an opinion in each one of our cases. 

Dr. S. (R.) 

Certainly, to me it would be much pleasure, 

To give in a nut shell, each individual's measure. 

So I will beg-in with you, without an apolog'-y, 

Your trouble commenced from reading too much of 

bacteriology. 
No microbes to harm you have you ever possessed, 
Yours are all orderly germs, which never molest; 
Your mind became morbid, no doubt, beyond ques- 
tion; 
You should have left the whole matter to the medical 

profession. 
The treatment applied in your particular case, 
Though somewhat peculiar it appears on its face. 
Is the one now adopted by all civilized nations 
In the cure of dementure, crankisms, hallucinations. 
I can assure you, my friend, you are now thoroughly 
sound. 



THE BACTEKIOLOGIST. 91 

Cerebro is the next one, — I bound — I bound. 
{He trots to Ccrchro. Mr. B. tal^es scat on ottoman, R.) 

Cerebro. [Standing and wri tiling.) 

The microbe had simply j;one on a vacation, 
And has now returned with more vigorous gyration. 

{He zvrit/ies.) 

Dr. S. 

Ah, you rogue, since you joined the shakers, 
And took Miss Bacterium out in the breakers, 
You've shown much nerve and great acting ability, 
Talent, judgment and much versatility. 

Cerebro. [Twitr/iing.) 

Thank you doctor, but you're inclined to flatter, 

Please reduce it to a thinner batter. 
{He gives one tremendous twitcli, ttien smiling, goes to 
Bacterianna wtio is seated at tlie piano.) 

Dr. S. 

Parotitis, far from being mumpus, 

You have assisted greatly in the general rumpus. 

Protitis. (Standing.) 

Der-der-der-do you think 

That wi-wi-with suitable ham-ham-hammer, 
I can dri-dri-drive away this stam-stam-stammer? 
Or der-der-do you believe when I do ut-ut-utter, 
I shall always continue to stut-stut-stutter? 
{Smites and sits dozvn.) 

Dr. S. 

My friend, don't you worry. 

But when you talk, be less in a hurry. 

( Trots up stage to Bacterianna.) 
Miss Bacterianna, you raised quite a breeze. 
Through your natural acting by the salted seas! 

Bacterianna {Rising wildty from piano.) 

Take me doctor, tie to my neck a stone, 
Carry me out in the water and leave me alone; 
Or if it please you, give me a swimming chance, 
And I'll drive all microbes from Ivong Branch, 
{Turns pteasantly to Cerebro.) 



92 THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 

Dr. S. [Trots to Bella Donna, L.) 

Miss Bella, do you still feel ill? 

Or have you forgotten the fever and chill? 

Bella D. [Shivering, rises front tabouret.) 
Oh, nothing- is the matter, 

Excuse my teeth which are inclined to chatter. 
Ha! ha! ha! [Sits down.) 

Dr. S. (Crossing to Anti Septic, R.) 

Miss Bacterium, your face is beaming with health's 

fond roses, 
A youthful countenance adorned with poses. 

Anti S. [Rising, very pleasantly.) 

Ahem! But remember that my breakfasts were 

microbes fried in batter, 
So pause, consider, before you flatter. [Sits down.) 

Dr. S. [Looks lovingly at her, then turns and trots to Anti 
Pyrine and Anti Dote, L.) 

Miss Pyrine and Miss Dote, I see by your faces. 
Your late malingering leaves no traces; 
Like your sister, you are perfectly charming. 
Although your recent acting was quite alarming. 

Anti P. and Anti D. [Rising, — savagely.) 

Remember, doctor! what we like most 

Is a broiled Bacteriologist on our toast; 

That with our sister, we form a group 

Fond of micro-organisms in our soup. 

That always at our lunch. 

We take bacilli in our punch. [They sit.) 

Dr. S. 

Ha! ha! ha! It was well done, 
- Nothing before like it under the sun. 

[Converses with them.) 

Mr. Vermes. [L. U. Cor.) 
I'm Mr. Vermes, 

I'm unable to find where a single germ is; 
About ten thoiisand were within my reach, 
The day I departed from Long Branch Beach. 



THE BACTERIOLOGIST. 93 

The riiknozvn. {L. U. Cor.) 

Perhaps you don't expect something or other, 
From Mr. Vermes, or his brother. 

Mr. I'. 

Silence, my twin! 

Neither you nor I am in the swim. 

Dr. S. (Trotting to Angina Pectoris, R. U. Cor.) 
Angina Pectoris, Sweet Irish maid, 
Ivct us hear from you, don't be afraid. 

Angina P. [Rising.) 

Shure doctor, I no longer wishes to cliate, 

But I'm somephat delighted that the microbe's bate. 

While I must confiss your treatment does me 

mishtify, 
What must be thought by the bacilli? 

Dr. S. 

And you, friend Michael, what have 3'ou to say? 

JMiIze E. [Placing his hand to his ear.) 
A little louder, sor, plase spake, 
Me ear still f ales as if aslape. 
Thot aixparience did me quite a harum, 
Oi'd not agin go through it for a big f arum. 

Mr. C. [Rising from ottoman.) 

To you and Ann a farm I'll give, 
Where you and she can always live; 
I'll stock it too with cows and hens. 
And many pigs, in sundry pens. 
[Mike C. embraces Angina P.) 
[Dr. S. trots to foot-lights. — Characters seated, arise.) 

Dr. S. (C) . 

Now ladies and gentlemen, we'll draw to a close. 
What perhaps would have suited better in prose, 
But you surely will pardon us this one time. 
If our microbic fancies we have given in rhyme. 

Of bacilli have no anxiety or fear. 

Don't believe all the stories that come to your ear,. 



94 THE BACTERIOI,OGIST. 

But leave such abstruse subjects to the medical pro- 
fession, 
Then to you this play may be a profitable lesson. 

(Door bell rin^s, — Mike C, a la Dr. Sapience, trots out 
C. D. Angina, as if afraid of losing him, follows, in like 
manner.) 

Remember that microbes are not all foes to man- 
kind. 

That many are g'ood ones, you must bear in mind. 

So, before you worry yourselves into a serious con- 
dition, 

Just state all your symptoms to your family phy- 
sician. 

[Mr. Vermes very politely extends his hand to his 
brother, and the two pass off C. D., after bowing profoundly.) 

Disposition of the other characters at the fall of the curtain. 



<R.) (Iv.) 

Anti S.— Anti p.— Anti D. 

Cerebro — Bacterianna. BELI.A D. — Parotitis. 

Mr. Bacterium — Dr. Sapience. 

CURTAIN. 



'^/ 



the: 

BACTERIOLOGIST: 

AN ORIGINAL COMEDY 
Hn jfive Bets. 



BY 

DANIEL K. FORD, 

Author of the Successful Comedietta, 
My Friend Isaac, etc. 



WITH THE 

COMPI.ETE STAGE-BUSINESS, RELATIVE POSITIONS, 

SCENE AND PROPERTY PLOTS, TIME OF 

REPRESENTATION. &c. &c. 



ST. PAUL : 
The Samuel Carman Printing Company. 
37 East Fifth Street, 
1897. 



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